Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Going Live Ya'll :P

I've decided it's time to step up my blogging bit, and take Xanax for a run.... if you love the blog, you can find all the new ones over at


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Bloggidy Blah

Yesterday I went to the orthodontist. They replaced my wires with the largest wires they have and added 4 rubber bands to my mouth so that it no longer opens even wide enough for a spoon to go in. This is a problem for me. I love food. I need it. In addition, the pain is so severe that I actually feel like I was in some sort of accident. Now I didn't start this blog to whine on and on about my braces or the communists that torture me by adjusting my braces...

I started this blog to let you know, that when I am on Valium (given to me by orthodontist for pain and muscle relaxation in my jaw) that thoughts no longer form into valid whole sentences. Everything kind of floats around. My brain starts processing things about 5 minutes after they actually happen. I look for the right word to say, and by the time I think that I have found it, I no longer remember the sentence it was supposed to go with. Hmmm...

Medicines have always had weird affects on me. Most people can take a Loratab for pain and go on about their day, I take pain medicine of any sort and it puts me into a 12 hour coma followed by a 6 hour fog.

The only enjoyable part being that it actually slows my brain to the point where I no longer feel frantic and stressed because of all the other things on my plate. So my goal, is to find a way to chill out and mellow down when I am not actually injured. What good methods unstress you? What do you wrap your mind around when you want all the daily junk to just take 5?

This is as far as I can go tonight, mostly because right now, I honestly don't care, about a whole lot at all. Russell made dinner and cleaned up last night and tonight, managed to get the 2 little ones in bed, and make sure I didn't need anything in the process. I'm liking his new knight in shining armor bit, it looks great on him. :)

I am feeling so mellow that this is the song that popped into my head to share... enjoy.
Before you listen to it though... let me tell you what I see when I hear this song. Picture a hot June night, deep in Southern America. A field full of wild sweet grass and dandelions. Girl standing in a yellow sundress with bare feet staring up at a sky full of more stars than you could ever count. Picnic basket and blanket on the ground near by, where her favorite boy is laying watching her in awe.... that's what I see when I hear this song. (oh and of course this girl is a rocking brunette that slightly resembles yours truly) hehehe

Friday, May 13, 2011

Damn it Feels Good to Be a Gangsta....

Office Space anyone? Still probably my all time favorite movie.... and today I have been humming the theme song, damn it feels good to be a gangsta and replacing gangsta with Warrior... in honor of this weeks warrior dash and a meek attempt to make myself PUMPED UP....

Thus far it isn't working, but it is a constant reminder of my favorite movie :) So to close out Friday... and to end that FOREVER long work week... I hope you're wearing all 15 pieces of your flair....

Oh... and Damn it feels good to be a gangsta... I really need to order this movie.... no idea what happened to my copy.


Wish me luck... cause the next time you hear from me... I will be a warrior... think I can get some cool theme music to play when I walk into a room? Someone work on that for me would ya?? hehehehe 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Vacation? Erm.... Didn't That Just Happen?

Yes, I just took a week long vacation in April... after much stress and frustration over the beginning quarter of this year, I would honestly say, it was much needed. I come home from vacation to find myself facing a change of heart between Russell and I... then some ohhhh smallish F5 TORNADOES.... then us moving his house and merging it with mine.... us selling a ton of furniture on Craigslist that means us running back and forth at all hours of the day and night, my home builders finally getting around to some of the things there were supposed to fix 3 months ago, the girls getting ready to leave for Colorado, softball season.... and um.... all I can say is THANK YOU GOD I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.... and not still fighting with that mess.

I am sure that sounds like a bunch of whining... and in all honesty, it probably is. Hey, welcome to my blog... you don't have to endure the whining... but I have GOT to get it out of my system. Oh not to mention somewhere in all of that mess I have been trying to maintain eating healthy and training for a 5k through mud... right... cause the ones on pavement aren't a challenge enough... I add mud and obstacles.

Yep. That's me. Go big or go home...

Sigh.... there is chaos all over the house as we try to sort and get things in order... decide what's going where etc... so there is no "peaceful tranquil haven" for me to hide in currently. The bath tub... maybe my next blog will be from amidst bubbles and wine...

I am over the whining, and I apologize. I am just ready for things to ease up a little and slow down some. It is already middle of MAY!!

June is upon us, and June is a month I truly hate to rush through. It is my favorite of them all, it requires much savoring. Strawberry shortcake, flip flops, and the smell of ribs on the grill... oh yes sweet June. Just thinking about that is calming my anxiety an insane amount. I think I may very well find some rest in June.

In the meantime.... I need a little bit of this:

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Sound of Silence

When the girls finally lay down their heads and fall asleep, and the dogs all find their happy places around my feet, and the cats snuggle in the chair beside me, and Russell is off on a pool night... the house goes quiet. It's a strange quiet that I am pretty unfamiliar with. The only sound to be heard is the soft whirl of the ceiling fan and the steady ticking of every clock in the house.

It never ceases to amaze me how loud quiet actually can become. The clocks... they make me crazy. Tick and then tock... and click click click... the seconds... they fall away... fading into the past... and when the silence is so loud with the passing of time, I find myself looking for things to do. I must do something... listen to the moments passing by!

I am currently working on my very first novel. I found a writing contest called Operation First Novel, and the winner gets a check for 25k and published... It must be at least 75,000 words long, and it is due in September. I feel like the seconds that are sliding past are chances that I need to be focused on completing it. However, I find I cannot write on it all the time. I have to be in a certain mood... imagination has to be pouring out of me. I find I am usually not stuck in front of a computer when those moments hit me. Maybe I need a voice recorder... ideas? Sigh... the clock... it's relentless tonight. I must get up and focus on something...

I think the looming 30 year mark is also affecting me somehow... I have accomplished much... but there is much left to do!! :) I hope all of my readers are not sitting anywhere near the gosh darn clock in the room.

Here's a cool pic I snatched on my way home from work... cloud junky... that's me.

oh and if you have forgotten... here's a classic reminder of the Sound of Silence.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mom...Mama, Mother, Mommy.... to you

Today I planted roses, tomatoes, blueberries, and blackberries... I watered, and fed... and prayed over my little plants hoping that they will grow into fruit producing giants :) You know... kind of like my mom did me as I grew.

My mom is without a doubt my very best friend. She knows KNOWS me... inside and out, and still loves me to pieces... not an easy thing to do I assure you. Not only that, my mom... well she didn't just raise me, feed me etc.... she put in the time... she asked all the questions, had all the talks, worried, cried with me, got mad with me, stood beside me, behind me, and when I was falling... under me to ease the crash.

My mom made me believe that as a woman... my possibilities are endless. She instilled value in me, for myself... to make sure that I didn't let people trod across me. She painted pictures across my mind of open fields full of golden wheat and soft sunsets when as I child I woke to terrifying dreams. She told stories, took me camping, taught me to ride a bike, belly dance, bandaged skinned knees, and eased broken hearts. She was amazing to me, as a child..... but now?

Now my mom listens to me, she cheers for me, coaches me, and takes the time to know me.... really know me. I don't know where I would be without her as a sounding board in my life. Mother's Day will never pass by without her knowing exactly what she means to me, even though words seem to small a vessel.

So this year, as in all years past... and all to come... I wish you a very Happy Mother's Day mom... thank you, for being you.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Carpe Diem- Life Lesson of the Day

I have this ability to see things... hmmm... not like what's his face from that one Bruce Willis movie.... I don't see dead people.... but in polar opposite, I see life in things. Let me give you an example... I enjoy my drive home (understatement) I love my car time... it's ME time... and I happen to live in one of the most beautiful green, flowery, every kind of tree, horses, llamas, and farmy areas in Alabama.

Daily on my drive home, I watch the sun start to fade behind this gorgeously rusted metal barn. It's a beautiful old building, and my mind runs through how long it's been there, the livestock that has run through it, and the love stories kindled in the hay loft. I'm a writer by nature, it's what I do.

This barn... was damaged by our recent tornado events... and it kind of crushed me that I had never stopped... Never captured that picture that I had wanted to so many times. It's kind of a hard road to stop on, there's not much shoulder and the ditches are really deep.... but I do not know what is in store for this barn... another couple weeks it may be missing all together.... with no record of its existence at all. Isn't that the way it goes?

So today, I am all about Carpe Diem... stop waiting... GO DO. Here's my lesson... in all of it's glory.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Random Nothing

There's a nothing moving in on me. It chills me to the core. It's shady and deceptive. I cannot remember who I am when I'm standing in this place. I walk along aimlessly searching for the light, stumbling and colliding with all the darkness of my night. It seems I've placed a question on my tongue, but my mouth won't open to ask it as the pages all get turned. I write about this nothing as if it's clouds across my sky, because I know my soul will move into the dawn of your tomorrow. Right now I just sit waiting for the mood to leave my mind.

Here is one of my favorite photos that I've taken... EMERGENCY EXIT

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

If I Could TAP Dance for You.... I WOULDN'T.

It's been that day... the one where someone says something about you... that they cannot ever take back or undo... where you sit there staring at them.... glaring a hole in the middle of their forehead to prevent you from grabbing them by their stupid ugly face and beating them into the wall. Yep, it's been that day.

Oh... and it wasn't Russell. lol. Guess that's important to get out of the way to start with.

Anyway... some allegations were made toward me today that left me in a state of shock... once that wore off I was absolutely more angry than I think I may have ever been at another point in my life. Anger is a very difficult emotion for me to contain.... I normally get pissed to the point that HOT tears well in my eyes and burn down my face only to make me that much more PISSED off that now someone has made me mad to the point that I am crying over it. If you ever have the ability to make me cry in public.... I highly suggest you follow it with running... because WRATH is following....

To put it lightly it has ruined the remainder of my day... which has also seriously ANNOYED me. I hate feeling this way, but I also know that it is time for me to move on and this is just more proof of the same. Hopefully I can get my brain back to the E side of the pissed off-ometer shortly. DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS.

I need an angry song... hmm...yes this should do NICELY.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Um Did I Sign Up for This???

My life has been absolute crazy.... MAYHEM...lately.... to the point they called to see if I wanted to do my own Allstate commercial.... (okay that was a lame joke... sorry) but in all seriousness, the last several months. WHOOOAAAA.

What I am getting at is that when I started all this and God sent me out after my little pair of RUNNING SHOES... over my Xanax perscription, I did something completely crazy and signed up for a 5k run through mud and obstacles called WARRIOR DASH.... Check it....

UM... WTF was I thinking???? JEANNA.... testing... testing.... is this thing on?

It is May 14th.... ummmmm 11 days away. I haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks.... I went to Las Vegas, went to Florida, came home to work on my relationship with Russell, got hit with tornadoes... OMG and now BOOM.... I have 11 days to train... well strike that... 10 days because hahahahaha we all know my butt is on the computer right now and not doing anything with the rest of today.

So.... starting tomorrow... it's back to the gym immediately after work....I have 10 days to make May 14th hurt just a little bit less.... oh and in any hope to actually cross the finish line.... because BWAHAHAHAHA right now? It's a fantasy.... you know... not just a regular fantasy... but the one where Brad Pitt and Robert Downey Jr. drive up in my 2011 red Camaro convertible with white pin stripes fantasy to deliver me the keys and their services for the day. It just AIN'T HAPPENIN PEOPLE.

The next few weeks I will keep you posted on how I progress.... yes I am still smirking.... all right, time to cowboy up and get down to business.

Here's a little inspiration for you... cough cough... I meant me.


Yes, I embedded the link... because all the kinks aren't out of my internet yet, and it doesn't have the guts to pull from YouTube like normal.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Tornado schmamado

Well it's been 5 days since tornadoes went BUCK wild through Alabama, and it will be many months before people even start to realize the magnitude of what actually happened to the state. People have come together, other states have stepped in to help with our power, there's been a lot of kindness through the disaster... but there are also looters and crazy people that do not have the capacity to be civil kind human beings. Alabama actually stated... those people can be shot on scene. I wish that was always the rule. Honestly.

I am a bit disappointed in the way some of this is being handled, but hey... I suppose that's life. Let me tell you about the good parts.

When the weather was about 30-45 minutes out, the schools called (at 11:30 am) to tell us kids needed to be picked up from school by 12:15. We had coworkers in town from Washington D.C. and we were at lunch (we had taken Russell's truck). I relayed the message that I had 45 minutes to pick up the girls, so we haul tail back to the office. As we are getting there to drop of our coworkers, the sky is turning a freaky black/green color... like a week old bruise.

He looks over at me... he still has a meeting to go to.... he asks if I will be okay driving in this... I look a little nervous towards him... and he jumps out of the car and goes and collects his things from the office. We leave my car in the parking lot and head towards the kids school.  This is what is moving toward us at a scary alarming pace:

As we start to head down the highway, the first wall hits us, hail starts pelting the truck, barricades from the road work are flying across the street and then flying back the other direction as quickly as the went right... they went left again. Signs began blowing down, trees bending at alarming lows. I was so incredibly thankful he left with me and we were in his truck and not my car. After the remainder of the day panning out in similar terrifying moments followed by a break in the clouds and spots of sunshine... we were left totally in the dark with no cell service at all.

It wasn't until the next day when we got up... we started to realize how close we had been and what was complete devastation around us in both directions. Here is what one side of our main street looks like... and within a half mile on the other side of us... it looks the same. This is so close to us it's still freaking me out.

Now I am not one to throw out that, "God was looking out for me line..." because then it sounds like He wasn't looking out for any of those other people who are experiencing an insane loss in their life right now either losing family members or their homes and all they own. I do believe all things happen for a reason though, and we'll leave it at that. It could have been us. That's the real reality of it. But it wasn't, and I feel very humbled in that fact.

Since the storm... we emptied the fridge and freezer into the garbage, and headed south where there was family and electricity. The last couple days have been a really great bonding time for Russell and I as well. I cannot imagine going through that without him. He was absolutely there for me and the girls. He calmed us, prevented any panic, and made sure we felt secure. Drove to Florida until nearly 3 am in the morning... woke to make us breakfast Saturday morning.

Then he did something that maybe I shouldn't share... but made me feel... that warm sweet girlie feeling that I have thought was hopelessly locked up in my head somewhere and unachievable.... I was feeling dirty and grimy from the past two long days... very stressed out but relieved we were all together and safe.... once i was in the shower he washed and conditioned my hair  for me. He took his time, rinsed it thoroughly, running his fingers over and over again... the stress poured off of me... as I relaxed...  we spent Sunday checking in with friends and making sure all of our peeps in Alabama were doing ok... but we were also able to take a nice little walk and dig up some blackberry bushes to take home to our yard... Headed back to help our neighbors out, now that we won't be hindering them. Keep Alabama in your thoughts, cause you really never know when it will happen wherever you are standing.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Yep It's a Test

I've decided to try the Facebook page thing for my little blog... see if it makes it easier to manage as a feed... making sure that I get it all working right however, is a whole different group of annoyances. Before it makes me crazy and I toss this MAC across the room, I'm going to pour a nice rum flavored drink, turn on some old fashioned bluesy music to relax to (of course I know this is not an old school song... just go with me here), and veg for a moment. Hope you enjoy.

Clarity is an Amazing Thing

Perspective.... ahhhhh wonderful ol perspective. What a wonderful thing to find yourself full of. If you have to be full of something... perspective is always a plus.

This morning "we" left for school and work actually early... why? Because my team is whole again. No more manic morning crazy sitcom battle of the 2 against 1 lowly mom. I tag teamed him in, and he had them chaired, pinned down and out the door before I could even finish my hair. Then he handed me a cup of coffee. Something inside me sincerely in all embarrassing honesty broke into a happy dance that I could never possibly duplicate or ever admit to again...

Nearly to work almost 20 minutes early... we realized we had forgotten something at the house. We U-turned down a farm road neither of us had taken before in hopes it would lead back towards home. After a storm filled night, the morning sky was a damp heavy air blue, thick with possibilities for the day. The hay growing in the fields shown a green so true that I was captivated as we drove past. This road I had never been down, may possibly be one of the most beautiful little S-curvy roads I've ever had the privilege to ride upon... and I pass it everyday. I've lived here for just over 4 years.

He reached over and held my hand as we drove... I looked out the window.... heart busting it's borders like the Grinch who stole Christmas, and all I can think is how glad I was that we forgot something at home.  I know that things will not always be butterflies, rainbows, and puppy dogs... there will be more storms... but if the storms are followed by mornings like this, then isn't that what it's really all about?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Road Less Traveled

Things seem to come and go so quickly. We move through our days in a rat race situation... alarm goes off, shower, dress, kids on bus, drive to the office, sit at desk, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, decide what is for lunch, go eat, come back, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, stare accusingly at the stubborn clock, get back in car, avoid the gym, pick up kids from school, listen to them argue on 5 minute car ride, make dinner, help with homework, do dishes, run to some sort of extra curricular activity, showers, crash.... REPEAT.

But on extraordinairy days, those days where the stars are aligned in different patterns, new things come into our sights. My experiences over the last several months have been a combination of typical rat race days mixed with excitement, terror, panic, anxiety, prayer, friendship, and love.

I have made new friends that I will no doubt have for the rest of my life. I have been learning that I am indeed a strong woman whose weaknesses do not make me less of a strong person, but in fact help add depth to my character.

Realizing these things have made me see that my NOTEBOOK analogies, may be a little far fetched... and not in the sense that I no longer believe that kind of love is real... but in a whole new aspect. There are people I could come in contact with for the rest of my days that I would bond to, have strong chemistry, endure trials and tribulations, love to explore the world next to, or have incredibly passionate sex with... but the reality is that I already picked someone to do those things with everyday.

Russell may not be my Noah... and I am okay with that... because... well he is my Russell. There were vows spoken that have bonded us to each other that in today's day and age seem to easily fall to the wayside. To put in the work and effort together to be bigger than today's NORM is worth it. I believe that people can change when they encounter situations that can cost them their entire world. My world was altered several months ago, his realization came later... but came.

Today is Easter Sunday, and I spent the weekend being completely open to the idea of our family being reconnected. It was quite difficult at first, I won't lie. I was jaded, sheltered, hiding... but the reality of it was I could only give him a real chance if I gave it 100 percent of me. Being open and honest, earned me 150 percent of him.

Choices to go left or right... they're complicated. Going one way or the other doesn't necessarily mean a choice between wrong or right. Both roads may lead to somewhere exotic and fantastic. Both roads may lead to even harder left and right choices... and once you take a road, you realize you will never be back to take the other path... but that's part of the journey. Set your course, allow room for some adjustments along the way, but in knowing yourself and letting God steer your direction is all the assurance you should need.

Today's Song...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Tale from a Jeanna Past

Whenever my heart is heavy and my pen is empty I pick up journals from times gone by in my life. Journals from days when I used to actually write for hours on end, and keep dozens of blank beautiful journals on hand for my ramblings. Today I read through the journal I kept when I was pregnant with Hailey (my 10 year old oldest).

I was 19 when I was pregnant with her, and it was quite a trying time for me. Funny.... as I look back... some of my writing remains the same today as it was then, and some of my writing then shows my naive youth in all it's glory.

May 21, 2000
Dreams are plaguing me these days. Dreams of being alone for the rest of my life. Waking up and not recognizing anything around me...not my furniture, people, the house. No one can understand me, we aren't speaking the same language. They all look away from me when I speak. Then I dream that I am awakened, the man sleeping beside me is there to comfort me. The moonlight pours through an open window, and in the distance I hear a train. Then I hear a child screaming.... faintly. The clock reads 1:15am I listen as closely as I can, I hear the child again. I shake my husband, he rolls over. I shake him harder, tears building in my eyes. he wakes. Did you hear that? No.... he listens... he hears nothing... he closes the window and tells me it was a dream.
The tears fall as he drifts back to sleep. I wonder if I am ok. Is that child ok... or is it surrounded by a bunch of closed windows and broken dreams? Will all it's hopes be pinned on dreams? Will someone ever realize for the screaming child that a dream will only let your mind free through an open window.

August 7, 2000
Today I dreamed the dream of many, life of few, future for some, desire for all. I dreamt of a happiness nearly unexplainable. I went outside and sat on the grass barefoot...just to feel it between my toes. I ran my fingers through the fresh cut blades and took a deep breath just to smell life. It smelled clean, fresh, and anxiously delicious.

There is power in your vision and wisdom in your words....Good night world.  Check it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Untitled for a Season

My heart and mind are not in the same place currently... and somewhere in the mix my soul is screaming out. In the midst of all the commotion and noise, I cannot make out what they are saying independently.

Trying to find that still quiet place inside myself to sit and just be seems like quite a feat currently. I have so very much bottled to say.... but unfortunately due to my audience this is no longer a speak free and clear zone for me.... all I know is at some point, I will snap... and the words will flow.

Until then.... here I am.... silenced.

 Creed - My Own Prison

Monday, April 18, 2011

Fair? Who knows....?

It seems there is a time for everything to go through a period of grief. If you aren't sad about it at some point, then it was probably never anything worth being honestly concerned about to begin with... right?

These days people get bored easily, and they wonder about things like... what if... how come... etc.... it's a form of the grass is greener syndrome... but we all know that saying, and as a population, we all attest constantly that in fact... the grass is not greener on the other side.... and even though we say things like that, and we pass our wisdom of our actions through the generations... nothing slows anyone down from jumping head first off of something based on their own stubborn selfish belief that their situation is, "DIFFERENT." 

Haha I love to hear that from people when you are trying to give them advice, "oh this is different... he's different, I'm different, this love is different..." yadda friggin yadda. No... it's not different. Love is love. It requires work, it requires patience, it requires affection, respect, appreciation.... so situations may be different... sure... but the bottom line is love... is LOVE. Please by all means, don't let it be confused with indigestion... because HA! that passes... love is not supposed to be seasonal.

I have such an appreciation for love, that I am completely aware now that a totally selfless love is not achievable anywhere short of heaven. In realizing that, I hope that what does find me is patient and kind... but MOSTLY..... deserving of my love in return.

You guys can all bust on my love for Noah... from The Notebook... say it isn't possible... etc... go for it... I am sorry you've never had that, truly... but I am not closing the door on it being possible. I refuse. If that means I live the next 50 years sorting through bullshit... so be it.... if it means I spend 50 years writing about it... so be it. But I stand by my convictions... the dreamer in me says find it. Go get it.

Own it.... own it like anyone owns their convictions. Judge me if you will... pray for me if you would like.... and love me... because I'm worth it.

In closing, a song that has slipped my mind for a long time.... that I have always loved completely. Fair? Who knows.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

State of Mind

Wowza.... yep... that's how I am starting this thing off tonight.

I am having the best week I have had in.... mmmm let's just go with awhile.... yep, that's a fair assessment. Las Vegas was.... fantastic (ahhh that looks like such a small word). The lights, the sounds, the company, the food... all off the chart as far as describable goes, so I won't attempt to, but I will tell you that it was exactly what I needed. Maybe what I have needed for some time. I feel like me....myself... I...!!!! I was blown away with the amount of detail in everything there...definitely going to visit again.

In addition, there has seemed to be a great soundtrack rolling along with me, since about Saturday, that hasn't paused or missed a beat. It's rolled from rock, pop, rap, country... into trance several times... and let me tell you.... the trance was mmmm the best ever. ;)

When I left Vegas, I left a little heavy hearted, seemed I wouldn't be ready to get back to the real world, but I was pleasantly surprised. Getting back to Florida, I was tackled by my girls at the security gate, they really missed me.  We did dinner with family, and then spent today laying on the beach. Not just any beach mind you... but THE beach. White sand, emerald water, and my butt parked there on the sand soaking up the rays. Just how I love it. Driving around today, I was greeted with that familiarity of being home, that you cannot replace with anything else. My heart was happy. Windows down, 99 Rock blaring, hair blowing, and sunglasses on... you really cannot ask for much more.

The way I am feeling lately, is on a healing path. I am crazy about my life... my family.... and my friends, and I really am quite content.

Plus I got to spend some time with my camera, always a perk.... check it!

This is looking out from the Venetian... one of my favorites that I got to tour....

Yep, Paris baby....

This is actually right before I left, at my house...

The water today was COLD!!!

I told you it was cold :)

Something goes here about toes...water... and sand...

Hailey was building a sand castle...

Okay, you have to blow this pic up and check it out... maybe one of the best I've ever taken.

Yep, home sweet home.

The end :) (for now)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Over the Snuggly Stuff

Today I am over all the snuggly stuff that's been plaguing me for days... big heavy sigh of relief from anyone that has been following these ramblings.

I have moved on... started packing for my trip to Las Vegas this weekend and the rest of next week in my SUNSHINE state (that's Florida people....)  :)

I have passed excited about going to Las Vegas and have entered the realm of this guy's enthusiasm:

It has been a very different year so far. Things have been an extreme of highs and lows, with very few in the middle down times. This vacation comes in at a much needed time for me, and I am so thankful to have the ability to go. I have heard everyone on the planets opinion of me going out to Vegas, and to be perfectly honest, I don't care.

I don't care if you think it's irresponsible, dangerous, IRRESPONSIBLE.... etc. I love you all, but this trip is not about you, it's solely about me. I realize that it's a party city... hence the trip. I have a lot to party about! The girls will be in the best hands possible... probably even better off than when they're with me :P 

Sometimes, you've just got to make yourself first.

Rant over... happy dance back on!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Notebook

The passion driven Ryan Gosling plays Noah... we've all seen it... if you haven't seen it... take the rest of the day off work and go get the movie... take it home and watch.

This is what women want. We sell ourselves short a lot because we are not acutely aware of any of these type men actually on the planet... at least I have yet to meet one. (Any of you girls that have one... pat yourself on the back) (in addition I mean no disrespect to the men that I have spent time with at all, they've been good people, great friends, and well.... more or less the other guy in this movie... and she does love him too).

Noah falls in love with Allie from the very beginning. They're crazy about each other... cannot get enough. But when she is pulled from his life.... not only does he write her letters (swoon) consistently for a year.... he spends the next 7 years of his life missing her.... then building her dream home for her.... when she arrives on scene again, he doesn't leave things unsaid... he doesn't wish there was a right moment... he grabs her there in the pouring rain and tells her, "it's still not over." of course followed by one of those love making scenes that if you've been fortunate to have in your life.... stick with you in your memory bank forever.

He realizes that he lost her once.... and he intends to never let that mistake happen again. Not ever. This hopeless romantic... that's me. The fact that he never gave up, never walked away, never faded in his passion even after so much time had passed.... is that real? Is that possible?

To my dearest Noah.... If you're a bird.... I'm a bird.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Girls with Guns

I have been planning on practicing shooting my 9mm for nearly a year now. Not getting to use it often makes me very nervous about ever having to use it in an emergency situation and not being able to because a bullet is stuck or I forgot to chamber a bullet etc.... the list can get extensive.

In addition, being in our home alone now, with Bandit the tiny as my guard dog, I have felt a little uneasy. Having a loaded gun in the house brings me some ease, but with 2 small kiddos in the house... that again added to my nausea. Having the resources to hook the girls up with some instruction on weapons has been on my to do list for some time. This weekends gorgeous weather provided the right time.

The girls were very nervous, but after much watching and waiting we all got our turn. They really listened well, and I was quite proud of the seriousness they mustered up (seriousness is hard when you're 7). 

It didn't take me too terribly long to feel familiar with the gun again, and I am already promising myself it will not be another year and a half before I shoot it again. The most dangerous weapon is one that you are scared of.

 Becoming familiar with my gun... I'd say was time well spent.

 Hailey watching as her sister learns gun safety. The girls both did very well today! So proud!

Faith was very nervous, as you can see from her very shy stance here, but she came out of her shell. All of the new things that make her nervous are good challenges for her to take on. 

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Honey Do...Due?

One of the unique perks/downfalls of moving is leaving old neighbors and meeting new ones. Where my new house sits, I really only technically have one neighbor. We'll call him Bob. Bob is a very friendly Asian/American man near.... 60ish...? (Give or take a few years). He is retired military.

Every weekend since I have moved in, as I am unpacking, I see Bob diligently working in his yard, washing his cars, putting in sprinklers, carrying in boxes of tile, adding Bonsai bushes... you name it. His yard is beautiful. His grass was even green in January. I am positive he has white carpet and furniture in which my children even laying eyes on would cost me 10k in damages.

We speak casually every time I see him, and there is where my story lies.

His wife died a year and a half ago. They had been married for a long.....long.... time.

She loved their house very much. All of the work that he does to this house now, are things that she left for him on a Honey do list. Every weekend, he goes out and tends to flowers that she picked for their yard, he fluffs the pillows in the vibrant colors she wanted on the back patio, he walks her tea cup yappy dog.

Today, he was tiling a back splash in the kitchen. Again he tells me, "My wife left me a honey do list, and I'm slowly crossing things off for the last year and a half." I tell him that his yard looks beautiful, and he tells me, "It's exactly how she wanted it, her dream."

Thinking about it later, I am so extremely curious how their relationship was when she was here. Did he take the time to do the things on her lists when she was present? Or is this a guilt list? The romantic in me, says he was always doting on her, and in doing the things on her list still a year and a half later, he finds his way to be connected to her, in their home.

I want that. I'm due. I watch him from my kitchen window, as he cuts the grass and then waters the flowers. I know already he will work this way both Saturday and Sunday, and when I see him again, he will wave, and tell me about the Honey Do list. I find, I'm actually looking forward to the story. The reminder that love like that is real, is always nice to hear again and again.

Kinda makes me think silly little songs like this are for real people.... (yes I have an immature crush on this song)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Angels Times Three

I had to go to the orthodontist this morning. He's a communist... WHAT?          He is.

After they water boarded me, and tightened my teeth to the point that I broke into tears and confessed every sin I've ever committed, they took my money and dumped me back into the alley out front. I climbed helplessly back into my car, safe from my tormentors for another 5 weeks.

When I started the car, I was met by one of my all time favorite songs, the Black Crowes, "She Talks to Angels," and I am instantly transported to Pensacola Beach, Florida, standing out of the sunroof of my best friend's Honda Accord on a hot July night. "Yeah she gives a smile when the pain comes, the pain gonna make everything all right...." oh and it does. Slightly because I am moderately masochist and slightly because pain is a reminder that I am living and I can feel wholly. I switch the wipers on and head out into the rainy March morning... mouth sore.

What follows my song however, is Melissa Ethridge's, "Angels Would Fall," and I can't help but think I stumbled into an angelic lineup this morning on my random iPod...interesting. "The rope that's wrapped around me, is cutting through my skin, and the doubts that have surrounded me, are finding their way in," I listen as she goes on to speak of someone that would have the ability to makes angels want to fall from grace, and I realize that I do not ever want to make that mistake again. No one should have the ability to completely change who you are. Growing and adapting together is one thing, but to fall and allow yourself to become someone you yourself are not familiar with, NO WAY.

Of course as my luck would have it, the last song that hits before I get back to work is Counting Crows, "Angels of the Silences," Now I believe I am being given a message of some sort, so I pay attention to the lyrics.... as if I am not fluent in them. "Well I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand, Did it make it any easier to leave me where I stand? I guess there might not be too many who would stand beside you now, Where'd you come from? Where am I going?" The last question sticks with me, where am I going?

The only true answer that came to mind, EVERYWHERE. I am going everywhere. Enjoy the music.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Rock Climbing and Thunder Storms

This weekend was a plethora of crappy weather across the Tennessee Valley, and I enjoyed every second of it.

Friday night was the beginning of a torrential downpour complete with the light show and booming thunder. It continued through the night right into our Saturday morning, which of course canceled opening day for softball, but allowed me to stay tucked in bed long into the morning...which I desperately needed. Laying there listening to the storm go on outside, I fell into a coma.

It rained that way all day long, bringing the girls and me into the living room for a cozy fire and all of our own reading time. I love how rarely our television is on. I love how much the girls don't seem to mind this fact. They tell me about their far away stories they are both engulfed in, and I smile.... content.  There is a lot to be said for content.

That night was very similar to Friday, again I slept deeply. When Sunday morning finally meandered into sight, the dark clouds seemed irrelevant. They girls and I went out for adventure. We drove to Chattanooga, Tennessee for our very first rock climbing experience. I was not sure how this was going to go for me, seeing how I am SO FRIGGIN SCARED OF HEIGHTS.... for lack of better words.

Hailey, she was fearless. She wanted to go first... and go she did. The kid scampered up the side of 50 foot rock like she'd done it a thousand times before. The rest of us stood there looking up at her in shock.

When it was my turn to climb I stood there wishing I had gone before Hailey...instead of having to go after... I gave it a shot. I am not going to sugar coat this. The mountain was cold...wet...cold...wet...and fairly EXTREMELY vertical in most spots. Once I began climbing I was even more impressed with Hailey. I did not get half as far as she was before my fear spread over me and my legs began to shake in a frenzy of cold and nerves. Having to lean back and trust the ropes to bring me back down required every ounce of trust in my being and even then I had to borrow some from a reserve that I didn't know I had.

I hit the ground with adrenaline pulsing through me like I had just hit the summit of Everest or been in a tank with sharks with a chum belt on. My body was hot, sweat was beading around my eyebrows, my hands trembling. That was intense. I am not sure I will ever get any better at it, but the rush was worth the fear. The chance was worth the trust issues that I have in my mind. Maybe eventually all of me, will start working together, and I'll be a badass. ;)

Faith, not as enthusiastic after seeing her sister be so successful managed to get up about 6 feet and then sheer panic spread over the child. She burst into tears... but when I asked her if she wanted down, her stubbornness pulled through and she said no. She hung there for a few more moments before she fell victim to the fear. Last night as I tucked her in bed, she told me she could have climbed higher if Daddy had been holding her rope... for some reason, I believed her.

The part I find amusing is how polar opposite my children are, yet they are a dead split of me. Hailey goes for it... all of it... she will succeed or die trying. Faith is still weak, and not ready for the climb. Oh the irony.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Through the Looking Glass

My Alice in Wonderland reference is due to my noticing lately that things are not as they appear. I am finding joy in strange little things that I would have had no need for at all two months ago, and the things that normally made my weekends better, I am not a part of. This blog.... for instance... has brought me much peace. It allows me to speak my mind to a small audience that actually gets it. 

I am sitting here tonight, fighting sleep off, because it is still early, and nearly all of my nights these days are restless. I fight sleep now, so that hopefully I will not be awake at 3am. My emotions have been relatively calm today. He switched his vacation from our trip to Las Vegas....he's going to Honduras now for a dive trip. Las Vegas will be completely different now, than anything I had previously foreseen. I am okay though. Then I look at that statement... I am okay though? WTF. Since when do I measure how I am doing with okay? A mediocre at best slur attempt to sum up how I feel without making anyone want to ask me in any more depth out of fear that I may burst into tears in front of them answer??? Great, I think... I am great...? Let's toy with that one later.

No one at work talks to me anymore. I work in an office full of guys, that also know him, and they don't seem to have too much to say to me these days. I am not sure what all that is about, but it makes me want to break something. I've been reading a book about traveling all the time, not just for vacation... but living out... in the world... really living.  I feel like I have been trapped in a Lifetime movie ever since the kids were born. I've got to stop feeling like they slow me down and get out there and let them be curious about this world too. 

Time it seems, is the gift we take idiotically for granted. I am done wasting it. 

Friday, March 25, 2011


It seems my balance has been thrown lately, into a roller coaster of extreme highs followed by corkscrew twists and extreme lows. I am not used to functioning in this atmosphere for long durations of time. Not knowing what to do with this ludicrously nauseating feeling, yesterday I decided to simply get off the ride. That may sound a little suicidal, so before we go further, I am not speaking of life's ride... I just mean this particular one that I managed to strap myself into.

Immediately after I managed to get my feet back on solid ground, my head began to spin into a migraine of "what-ifs" and my heart raced at the speed of a hummingbirds. All of this made me feel quite ill, so I retracted into a little shell of silence.

Once the sea-sick feeling began to pass, I started trying to focus on all of the things I do have going on, that are not lacking at all on the "so fuckingbadassery" meter. I am going to Las Vegas in two weeks to see a very dear friend of mine, and celebrate the fact that I finally finished my college degree. Immediately following Las Vegas, I am going to Destin, Florida to spend some much needed down time lounging on a gorgeous white sand beach.

In May, I am going to put an insane amount of effort into a 5k run through mud and obstacles that will no doubt whip my ass like I'm a 300lb couch dweller. I'm going to chance white water rafting for the very first time in my life, checking off one of my higher bucket list items. Then there is June, ahhh sweet June. My month. The month I turn 30 years old. I actually have not begun to plan a moment of my time in June yet, funny how I am.

September I am taking the girls to see Ms. Taylor Swift in Nashville, for their very first concert. Faith has been secretly stalking Taylor Swift for nearly 4 years now, and the surprise of those tickets is a joy that I cannot wait to see light that little face. Then there is October, a trip to Italy with my Grandmother. I bought the plane tickets yesterday. The realization that trip is actually happening has yet to become real to me.

With a calender full of events that will no doubt rock my year into a year that remains etched in my memory for the rest of my life, my heart remains heavy. The ache still ever present. I'm keeping on, keeping on, but even after time continues to go by, I still look for you.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It is TIME.....

It is time for me to write my angry blog. My rant. I've been tiptoeing around in cyber space, concerned with my audience and words that once said cannot be taken back. I'm not feeling PC today however.... which is probably a giant warning sign for me to back the hell away from the computer, but I'm not going to.

I am mad,  I am borderline irate. I feel completely betrayed, let down, and dissapointed. Then as soon as this subsides enough to allow me to calm down, I feel absolutely crushed. I am if anything a hopeless romantic. That movie stuff, it gets to me, it keeps me hopeful, it makes me tick. Not just am I a romantic, but I am a firm believer in crazy passionate love. I feel like I've been cheated. Not just by you, but by myself. There is no reason that movies should be my source for knowledge on the love I am speaking of.

In addition, I am violently angry for my daughters. They've had two fathers that were capable of walking away from their blonde hair, blue eyes, and sweet ways. You knew I had two little girls when we met. You took them in, they called you daddy, and it's been 5 years. They know you, they depended on you. You do not get to just stop being a parent. WTF is that??? If that were the case there would be millions of children left sitting in shopping carts, waiting rooms, malls .... you get the point.

You want your space. You want your freedom. You want to go do things that do not include me or our   my family. In all this I find I am standing here, honestly trying to rope you back in. Fighting your leaving. Watching you selfishly destroy what we built together. I don't know what it is that keeps me hoping, or wondering, and even annoyingly enough... wishing... Wishing for what? To go back?

There is no back, not from this place. You are off doing your thing... why am I stalling? Why am I standing here waiting?  How do you even maintain this grip on me? Let me go. Even as I type that, I backspace over it, and then retype it... Let me go...

If I am not the first thing in your mind when you wake up in the morning, let me go.  If I am not what puts a smile on your face during a long day... let me go. If someone asks you where you want to go on vacation and in that second you respond you don't see me standing there with my sunglasses on and suitcase in hand... let me go. If you don't love me, enough to be with me when I've had a bad day... let me go.

This lyric, about sums it up... how I feel today.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sunglasses & Tom Petty

Driving to work this morning, the sun was breaking over Monte Sano Mountain, and I was overtaken by a sheer joy. A joy so strong that I couldn't help but grin ear to ear as I tapped the steering wheel to Tom Petty's, "It's Good to be King." I drive the back roads to work, through farm land so gorgeous you forget where you are headed. My sunglasses are on, bangs hanging over one eye, and when the sunlight hits my hair the golden color makes me feel sexy. It seems a silly trivial thing, but in my car all alone, DJing my morning away, I feel empowered.

This is not a new feeling, in fact this is the feeling that I have been chasing and trying to capture in words my entire life. I feel crazy high on life. I could do or be anything in this exact moment. My stomach flutters as if I am in line for the biggest roller coaster I've ever seen. My mind rolls over events in my life quickly like a People Magazine Year in Review film reel. It's then that I realize what it is that makes me so insanely giddy. It's opportunity.

Opportunity makes me do backflips inside. I am an American woman; I can parent, go to school, go to work, coach softball, hit the gym, make love, and dance backwards in high heels....and you may think I am bragging, but I am not. I am grateful. :) 

One thing that I love most about this country is the fact that every single day when I wake up, I get to make a choice. I think people forget that, they consider all these things that they have to do... but here, you do not have to do anything. It's all choice.

Tom Petty continues on to, "Running Down a Dream," and it crosses my mind that this is where I am at right now. Not in the typical, I don't have what I want sense, but in the every opportunity I seize is something else I have achieved sense. I have also come to realize that this dream can be your everyday reality. Every single day can be your choice of events. Sounds like I am picking running shoes... oh and Tom Petty.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Inspiration Comes When You Aren't Expecting It

It always seems to amaze me where I find inspiration. We planted our garden today. Today was one of those postcard perfect Sunday's as far as weather is concerned and it did the first day of Spring up just lovely. There is something strangely exciting about putting seeds in the ground that will turn into little sprouts, followed by plants, and eventually turn into fruits, vegetables, and spices. Watering the dark black dirt after all was planted, such a peace and hope spread over me for this little 6x12 piece of earth.

The symbolism of course as always began to rush over me, as I sat there this evening from the porch, staring out at my fresh turned soil. It is the beginning. Tomorrow a new day will dawn on this small garden, that was not there yesterday. With prayer, and work, and lots of love there will be fruit from the labor. Isn't it funny how God shows himself to us? 

My mother always had a garden when we were kids. I remember I used to catch her after a hard day of yard and garden work, out talking to the grass or a little plant. She spoke to them all, as if they had feelings and could speak back. I thought she was crazy. But as I pulled strawberry plants from cups today, I was careful of their little arms, and I spoke to them as I covered them in soil. I prayed for them, and a little bit for myself, and my ability to continue to grow, like the garden, towards the Sun. Direct sunlight it seems, is what brings forth the most fruit, and I find that truly inspiring.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Blank Canvas

I have been writing like crazy in my mind all week long. However none of it has made it to the keyboard simply out of fear that once I put it all down on paper I cannot take it back. The things that have been haunting my mind have been taking their toll on me. The middle of the week was emotionally like crossing Saharra Desert. I had psycho analyzed our relationship until I made myself physically ill. Weighing risks and value seem to be a new constant for me.

My mind seems to be unable to really put everything together for me so that things aren't in constant battle against each other. The yin and yang has not been doing me any good as far as sleep goes. I have been tossing and turning and restless all through the nights.

The odd part is, I am starting to feel stronger. I am coming to terms with the things I cannot change. I am also learning that this isn't entirely my fault. Beating myself up over what I could have done differently to make things work. So instead of starting with a blank canvas and painting my life as I see it, I am trying to get from a splatter painting back to a blank canvas. Fresh and clean. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Things We Rush

It seems that as humans we are always looking forward to what's next, what we could be doing, rather than enjoying where we are at that given moment. The problem with this is we rush through things that had we only slowed down and enjoyed, may have changed us forever.

For example, I cannot remember the countless times as a child I said, "I can't wait until I can drive," followed by, "I cannot wait until prom...graduation... the day I leave for bootcamp... the day I get to come home on leave..." I was in such a hurry to be a grown up and get to live life, that i simply missed so much. Travis and I couldn't wait to get married, so we went to the courthouse, then when I was pregnant with Hailey, I couldn't wait to meet her, that I forgot to enjoy actually being pregnant. In addition I was young. Thoughtless.

Of course looking back, I would change nothing, because of course it would alter the spin of the universe, but if I could tell my young self any one thing right now to do differently, simply enjoy today. Enjoy right now. If it's love and you're meant to be, plan the wedding, do what it is you really want when you close your eyes. Don't settle for less than everything you want, because there is no second chance.

Pregnancy is exhausting and makes you fat, but at night when you lay down and your body is still, you can feel a little person moving and growing inside of you, enjoy every moment, because when your kids are growing, you will never be pregnant again.

This post is lame, I am reading back over it, and it sounds like some gay inspirational junk you would read on a cheap sympathy card. Yuck. It sounded better in my head.  I am just feeling a little nostalgic tonight, and am in the process of watching young ones destroy their future, with hands bound, and it just makes me reflective.  I am going to snuggle up now, and ponder things far beyond my realm of knowledge :P (just goes along with this rant of sappy crap for tonight). If you read this far... Bless Your Heart.

Little Peace of Mind

Last night was the first time in the new house that I was completely at ease. The girls helped me make dinner. We grilled some chicken breast and put it on top of a salad full of all of our favorite salad veggies, topped it with a little bacon, feta, and sunflower seeds. We ate and laughed at each other and talked about our days. After dinner we did all the usual chores cleaning up and feeding the dogs, then we started a fire in the fireplace.  Sitting by the fire I gave each of the girls a pedicure and manicure and then sent them off to bed.

It was raining pretty hard outside, and with the television off, my mind began to turn over all the recent events in my life and then all of the events going on around the world. With all of the things the world is facing, sitting in my new house, with my beautiful healthy daughters sleeping, it was very hard to feel even an ounce of self pity. Sleep overtook me then, and I slept so incredibly sound for just over an hour. When I woke up, my dog was begging to go outside, and all the normal rituals returned, but for that one hour, I slept a great, deep, dreamless, much needed sleep.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Time Out

This weekend I went back over to the other house to finish packing up the last of our stuff. Standing in the door way of the home we built together, my eyes filled with tears. I remember when they laid the foundation of the house, how excited we were. How shocked we were at how easy it was to pick our flooring and wall colors together while we watched other couples in the design center fight and bicker. We thought we were better than them because we would never fight over trivial things like wall color.

Standing here, the house smells different, I've only been away for a week, but it doesn't smell familiar to me anymore. The pictures that remain on the walls have a family in them that I have trouble recognizing. Yet there I am, smiling out at the world, from the wall, not a care in the world, a Christmas card worthy picture of the 6 of us.

Feeling a little overly sentimental and nostalgic I head up the stairs to the girls rooms, we box and bag up their remaining things. I look at their curtains still hanging, that they had helped pick for their rooms, and the weight in my chest seems to shift to my stomach and I feel a little nauseous.

Separations are just plain difficult. It's been nearly 4 months since I knew things were unraveling on us, and even now the pain of it sometimes sneaks up and overtakes me. There are good moments now too though, in the new house, it really feels like my space. It has me written all over it. Romantic charm meets rugged meets French cottage. I love my new house. It's small and cozy. The girls and I all piled into the one chair that we have in the living room right now (with both dogs) to watch America's Funniest Videos the other night, and we laughed until our cheeks hurt.

As for him, I miss him. He seems different every time I see him now. It's hard to decide what is different and what is just things that I never noticed before. I am back to running this week, I am ready, need to feel the constant under my feet. The constant makes me feel alive.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Just a Girl

Tonight the heavens have opened up a good old fashioned Southern thunderstorm. The wind is howling, lightning is cracking, thunder is booming, and I feel oh so very small. I had to take Hailey to gymnastics tonight, and driving in this weather frustrates me because it is so hard to see. When we finally got home, I was a nervous wreck.

Standing on the back porch watching the dogs run for a moment, I felt as if there were thousands of eyes on me. People everywhere watching me to see what I was doing. Paranoia set in and I brought the dogs in and locked all the doors. Tucking in the girls, I nearly broke down under the weight of my frustrations.

Now here I sit on my bed, rain beating against my window, and I feel vulnerable. I am always putting up this tough exterior; women are equal to men, I can do anything he can, I am strong and independent, and these are all things I believe. Sitting here right now, they bring me no comfort. I'm just a girl. I am far away from all the people that love me the most.

Tonight is one of those nights that as a kid I would have ran and jumped in bed with my mom and dad, or my brother or sister for that matter just for a companion. Now there are two girls looking to me for that serenity, that protection from the scary rain sounds. Tonight, I wish I had the Xanax. ;(

Monday, March 7, 2011

A Year of Change

     Going in to 2011, I knew it was going to be a year that I would remember. Some years have that ability to just sneak by and looking back on them, you cannot recall anything that made that year stand apart. 2011 is not going to be one of those years. In the first 3 months of this year, there are already things that looking back on make me tear up, belly laugh, violently angry, and even a few that make me nauseous.

     Last Friday I closed on my house. It sounds weird to state that. My house. I love everything about it. It's cute, cozy and romantically girly. The weekend was going to be perfect for moving in, until I woke up Saturday morning to a monsoon. Rain was falling every direction possible, the county was under a flood watch. Moving still went pretty smoothly, and last night was the first night that the girls and I stayed in our new house.

     It was weird going to sleep alone last night, knowing that he isn't on travel or out doing something. Knowing that he was across town asleep in our old bed. To say I slept well would be a giant lie, that I don't have the energy to tell. There was a giant void in my heart and mind. The house however, was nice, quiet and peaceful. A warm place where I felt very content to be. The girls were happy in their new rooms, and even my two furry pals slept all night as well.

     This morning was a little hectic, trying to get ready and make sure that I do all the things I normally do and the tasks that he normally does also. The girls were very helpful though, it seems that they just know when I need them to step up their game. Tonight softball practice starts, and life goes on. I am not sure what the future holds for me, but I know that this year will be packed with adventure, tears, fun, and prayers.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Italy or Bust

     I must tell you. I indulge in my own selfishness quite often. I love fine chocolate, good wine, my yoga mat, DVRing shows so I don't have to watch commercials... and the list goes on. I also love the spa, vacations, and extreme sports, and as reward for my hard work and dedication to my job and family I feel even a little entitled to them. This post however, is not about me. It's about a woman in my life that does not and has never.

     There are several opportunities in life that when they present themselves, you may stare at them blankly for a moment or two before you realize that there is an actual choice in front of you. Sometimes even the simplest yes or no choices, can make all the different in the world. There lies the story, the story of my Grandmother and a yes or no choice.

     Mary Elizabeth Sherman married early in life, to the boy of her dreams. He was charming and cocky and all those things that teenage girls fawn over. It was the late 1950's in the Italian ran side of Chicago, Illinois. You've seen this movie. It's charmed America's socks off every time it's been made. Little bit of Mafia, small slice of apple pie, four children, dozens of dogs, thousands of tribulations, 60 years later they're still together, and their family is the most important thing in their world. The red, white, and blue flies high in their front yard, politics and religion are debates that can get you chased down the driveway, and by all necessary standards they're the normal American family.

   Being part of a normal American family, Mary spent her life raising children and being the center beam of a strong loving family. Her devotion and selflessness is ever present for her family. She feeds anyone that walks through the door of the house a five-star meal. Her strength of character and determination have been something that have kept me awed since I became a mother and began to see the tribulations that come with raising a family.

     I've never heard her ask for anything. Not once. Not in the 30 years she's been my Grandmother. Matter of fact, the only thing I've ever heard her say repeatedly since I was a child that even had a hint of self indulgence to it was, "If I ever had the chance, I would go to Italy." Something in this has always resonated with me. I come from Blue collar America. My family all works with their hands for their money and they all work hard for it. They pay their taxes, they feed their kids, and they have BBQ's on the 4th of July. It's a great life by every written standard, it is the American Dream, but it doesn't spend much time in Italy.

     Several years ago, I daydreamed with the idea of seeing her face light up stepping off a plane in Rome. Her one selfish indulgence becoming a reality. It didn't really seem like a possibility, until now. Until I stopped toying with the idea and realized the only way it would ever come true, was to make it happen. Behind every great idea, is someone daydreaming stuff up, and with my family full of supporters that all want to see that sparkle in her eye as badly as I do, this daydream will happen.

     My Grandma got her passport today, the countdown has begun. Italy is going to happen. This trip is not at all about us being able to take her, this trip is solely about her deserving to go.

Red Lights

I have noticed all through my life, sitting at red lights does not actually bother me. Sitting at red lights often times gives me an opportunity to reflect on the day, the week, the year, a childhood memory. It's odd actually what might come to mind at these times, as I sit, stopped by something as simple as a light on a road that is leading me to my destination. There is so much symbolism in it that I've actually written about it on several different occasions, just to scribble through my efforts later.

This week however, seems to be one of those weeks that shows you big picture, things that are not just going on in my life, but also the people around me. All the things on my plate; the separation, new house, new bills, travel opportunities, work, the kids, etc... they wash over me as I sit idle here. Then I think about my little brother, getting married today 6 states away, the nervous excitement I'm sure he's enduring. My little sister moving into her first house today with her husband and two children, the elation she must feel. My Grandmother at 71 years old, applied for her passport today, to travel this fall to Italy with me, her life dream becoming a reality. My parent's business that they started, struggled with since the beginning is blooming into a full fledged corporation, new taxes and all.

The light changes, as they always eventually do, and these days will pass. But right now, in this moment... I am living, and it feels so good.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Something about a Friday

There is something strangely new and exciting about Friday's even when you have nothing planned for the weekend. A strong satisfaction of acomplishing another week. I made it! Seems a small accomplishment sure, but in reality it can be a major milestone sometimes. This week has been one of those monsters that drags it's stubborn feet and fights constantly. A week that fights so hard in fact, that when Friday breaks daylight one can't help but utter a silent prayer and feel hopeful.

There is a song lyric replaying itself in my mind today from one of my favorite artists, Jason Mraz. "What becomes of a day for those who rage against it?" and the answer I keep coming back to, is it too shall pass. That is a line that has never brought me any comfort at all, that my mother has actually crammed down my throat repeatidly since the day I was born. Over the course of my life, any time I have been faced with any trial or tribulation, her go to line has always been, "Jeanna, this too shall pass," and as much as that line has made me want to pop her in the forehead, I have also always found it to be true.

A new day will dawn whether I am happy or sad, above ground or dust in the wind, time will go on and this too shall pass. I am reminded of this fact again at my realization that it is Friday. The struggle of this week has been great on my heart. I've hurt a lot this week. I've looked for ways to sort out my frustration and anger, looked for shelves to stack piles of blame on, cried buckets of tears but honestly I am tired of it.

Again today, I pick running shoes. Thank you Friday, for all that you do.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Long Night

There's a storm cloud brewing across the fields of my mind. I can feel it coming in my bones, they ache in anticipation. It's taking its toll on my soul.  I want to be braver than I feel right now.  As I watch you go, I don't remember how we got to this place.

My fists are clenched in rage at the rain pouring down my face. I'm fighting against a force of nature already knowing that I cannot win. A fool for trying, I turn my face up to the pelting droplets and let the pain soak me to the core.

End of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

  Sitting at work yesterday I realized that my head was actually about to explode. How is it that going through a separation that isn't even hostile can make you hurt so badly. My marriage of 4 years is being pulled apart and separated into piles of yours and mine and I seem to be the only one upset. Yes, it's been nice not fighting with you, and I'm glad you still want to come to the kids softball games and dance recitals, but my heart hurts inside even though I think this is the right choice.

   Why am I hurting when I know it's the right decision? I stare at my computer monitor but my ability to actually do my work is eluding me. The clock on the wall is laughing at my blank expression, I just know it. I haven't slept in days or maybe it's been weeks? I lay there night after night my mind playing slide shows of possibilities on the screen behind my eyes. I feel numbness spread over me and fall into a dreamless sleep only to wake two hours later covered in cold sweat and sobbing.

  So again, I sit at my computer trying to figure out where I am going. I make a doctors appointment so that I can go tell my sob story and be prescribed something to sleep, something to bring back the numb. Leaving I drive past Sport's Authority and I flip the car around. I sit in the parking lot staring at the sign, Authority seems to be beckoning me. The word is rolling around in my mouth trying desperately to escape the border of my tongue. I whisper the word, "authority" it sounds good to my ears, so I try it a little louder, "AUTHORITY." Yes, hmm. I would like some authority back in my life. I am taking control.

  I meander around until I come across a shirt that says simply, "RUN." It seems God is talking to me in fitness gear today, but I will take it. I know when I am being given messages and when to just ignore that voice in my head, so I buy a pair of running shoes and skip my doctors appointment. Driving home was one of those afternoons when you can't help but roll the windows down, so I did. I let the radio play,and my mind drifted over the possibilities for the first time without a negative light surrounding all of them.

   Oh I know I am not cured. I know I am nowhere near over it. Every single day is going to be a battle for awhile. But I have to make the choice, "Xanax or my running shoes?"