Whenever my heart is heavy and my pen is empty I pick up journals from times gone by in my life. Journals from days when I used to actually write for hours on end, and keep dozens of blank beautiful journals on hand for my ramblings. Today I read through the journal I kept when I was pregnant with Hailey (my 10 year old daughter...my oldest).
I was 19 when I was pregnant with her, and it was quite a trying time for me. Funny.... as I look back... some of my writing remains the same today as it was then, and some of my writing then shows my naive youth in all it's glory.
May 21, 2000
Dreams are plaguing me these days. Dreams of being alone for the rest of my life. Waking up and not recognizing anything around me...not my furniture, people, the house. No one can understand me, we aren't speaking the same language. They all look away from me when I speak. Then I dream that I am awakened, the man sleeping beside me is there to comfort me. The moonlight pours through an open window, and in the distance I hear a train. Then I hear a child screaming.... faintly. The clock reads 1:15am I listen as closely as I can, I hear the child again. I shake my husband, he rolls over. I shake him harder, tears building in my eyes. he wakes. Did you hear that? No.... he listens... he hears nothing... he closes the window and tells me it was a dream.
The tears fall as he drifts back to sleep. I wonder if I am ok. Is that child ok... or is it surrounded by a bunch of closed windows and broken dreams? Will all it's hopes be pinned on dreams? Will someone ever realize for the screaming child that a dream will only let your mind free through an open window.
August 7, 2000
Today I dreamed the dream of many, life of few, future for some, desire for all. I dreamt of a happiness nearly unexplainable. I went outside and sat on the grass barefoot...just to feel it between my toes. I ran my fingers through the fresh cut blades and took a deep breath just to smell life. It smelled clean, fresh, and anxiously delicious.
There is power in your vision and wisdom in your words....Good night world. Check it.