Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Yep It's a Test

I've decided to try the Facebook page thing for my little blog... see if it makes it easier to manage as a feed... making sure that I get it all working right however, is a whole different group of annoyances. Before it makes me crazy and I toss this MAC across the room, I'm going to pour a nice rum flavored drink, turn on some old fashioned bluesy music to relax to (of course I know this is not an old school song... just go with me here), and veg for a moment. Hope you enjoy.

Clarity is an Amazing Thing

Perspective.... ahhhhh wonderful ol perspective. What a wonderful thing to find yourself full of. If you have to be full of something... perspective is always a plus.

This morning "we" left for school and work actually early... why? Because my team is whole again. No more manic morning crazy sitcom battle of the 2 against 1 lowly mom. I tag teamed him in, and he had them chaired, pinned down and out the door before I could even finish my hair. Then he handed me a cup of coffee. Something inside me sincerely in all embarrassing honesty broke into a happy dance that I could never possibly duplicate or ever admit to again...

Nearly to work almost 20 minutes early... we realized we had forgotten something at the house. We U-turned down a farm road neither of us had taken before in hopes it would lead back towards home. After a storm filled night, the morning sky was a damp heavy air blue, thick with possibilities for the day. The hay growing in the fields shown a green so true that I was captivated as we drove past. This road I had never been down, may possibly be one of the most beautiful little S-curvy roads I've ever had the privilege to ride upon... and I pass it everyday. I've lived here for just over 4 years.

He reached over and held my hand as we drove... I looked out the window.... heart busting it's borders like the Grinch who stole Christmas, and all I can think is how glad I was that we forgot something at home.  I know that things will not always be butterflies, rainbows, and puppy dogs... there will be more storms... but if the storms are followed by mornings like this, then isn't that what it's really all about?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Road Less Traveled

Things seem to come and go so quickly. We move through our days in a rat race situation... alarm goes off, shower, dress, kids on bus, drive to the office, sit at desk, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, decide what is for lunch, go eat, come back, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, stare accusingly at the stubborn clock, get back in car, avoid the gym, pick up kids from school, listen to them argue on 5 minute car ride, make dinner, help with homework, do dishes, run to some sort of extra curricular activity, showers, crash.... REPEAT.

But on extraordinairy days, those days where the stars are aligned in different patterns, new things come into our sights. My experiences over the last several months have been a combination of typical rat race days mixed with excitement, terror, panic, anxiety, prayer, friendship, and love.

I have made new friends that I will no doubt have for the rest of my life. I have been learning that I am indeed a strong woman whose weaknesses do not make me less of a strong person, but in fact help add depth to my character.

Realizing these things have made me see that my NOTEBOOK analogies, may be a little far fetched... and not in the sense that I no longer believe that kind of love is real... but in a whole new aspect. There are people I could come in contact with for the rest of my days that I would bond to, have strong chemistry, endure trials and tribulations, love to explore the world next to, or have incredibly passionate sex with... but the reality is that I already picked someone to do those things with everyday.

Russell may not be my Noah... and I am okay with that... because... well he is my Russell. There were vows spoken that have bonded us to each other that in today's day and age seem to easily fall to the wayside. To put in the work and effort together to be bigger than today's NORM is worth it. I believe that people can change when they encounter situations that can cost them their entire world. My world was altered several months ago, his realization came later... but came.

Today is Easter Sunday, and I spent the weekend being completely open to the idea of our family being reconnected. It was quite difficult at first, I won't lie. I was jaded, sheltered, hiding... but the reality of it was I could only give him a real chance if I gave it 100 percent of me. Being open and honest, earned me 150 percent of him.

Choices to go left or right... they're complicated. Going one way or the other doesn't necessarily mean a choice between wrong or right. Both roads may lead to somewhere exotic and fantastic. Both roads may lead to even harder left and right choices... and once you take a road, you realize you will never be back to take the other path... but that's part of the journey. Set your course, allow room for some adjustments along the way, but in knowing yourself and letting God steer your direction is all the assurance you should need.

Today's Song...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Tale from a Jeanna Past

Whenever my heart is heavy and my pen is empty I pick up journals from times gone by in my life. Journals from days when I used to actually write for hours on end, and keep dozens of blank beautiful journals on hand for my ramblings. Today I read through the journal I kept when I was pregnant with Hailey (my 10 year old daughter...my oldest).

I was 19 when I was pregnant with her, and it was quite a trying time for me. Funny.... as I look back... some of my writing remains the same today as it was then, and some of my writing then shows my naive youth in all it's glory.

May 21, 2000
Dreams are plaguing me these days. Dreams of being alone for the rest of my life. Waking up and not recognizing anything around me...not my furniture, people, the house. No one can understand me, we aren't speaking the same language. They all look away from me when I speak. Then I dream that I am awakened, the man sleeping beside me is there to comfort me. The moonlight pours through an open window, and in the distance I hear a train. Then I hear a child screaming.... faintly. The clock reads 1:15am I listen as closely as I can, I hear the child again. I shake my husband, he rolls over. I shake him harder, tears building in my eyes. he wakes. Did you hear that? No.... he listens... he hears nothing... he closes the window and tells me it was a dream.
The tears fall as he drifts back to sleep. I wonder if I am ok. Is that child ok... or is it surrounded by a bunch of closed windows and broken dreams? Will all it's hopes be pinned on dreams? Will someone ever realize for the screaming child that a dream will only let your mind free through an open window.

August 7, 2000
Today I dreamed the dream of many, life of few, future for some, desire for all. I dreamt of a happiness nearly unexplainable. I went outside and sat on the grass barefoot...just to feel it between my toes. I ran my fingers through the fresh cut blades and took a deep breath just to smell life. It smelled clean, fresh, and anxiously delicious.

There is power in your vision and wisdom in your words....Good night world.  Check it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Untitled for a Season

My heart and mind are not in the same place currently... and somewhere in the mix my soul is screaming out. In the midst of all the commotion and noise, I cannot make out what they are saying independently.

Trying to find that still quiet place inside myself to sit and just be seems like quite a feat currently. I have so very much bottled to say.... but unfortunately due to my audience this is no longer a speak free and clear zone for me.... all I know is at some point, I will snap... and the words will flow.

Until then.... here I am.... silenced.

 Creed - My Own Prison

Monday, April 18, 2011

Fair? Who knows....?

It seems there is a time for everything to go through a period of grief. If you aren't sad about it at some point, then it was probably never anything worth being honestly concerned about to begin with... right?

These days people get bored easily, and they wonder about things like... what if... how come... etc.... it's a form of the grass is greener syndrome... but we all know that saying, and as a population, we all attest constantly that in fact... the grass is not greener on the other side.... and even though we say things like that, and we pass our wisdom of our actions through the generations... nothing slows anyone down from jumping head first off of something based on their own stubborn selfish belief that their situation is, "DIFFERENT." 

Haha I love to hear that from people when you are trying to give them advice, "oh this is different... he's different, I'm different, this love is different..." yadda friggin yadda. No... it's not different. Love is love. It requires work, it requires patience, it requires affection, respect, appreciation.... so situations may be different... sure... but the bottom line is love... is LOVE. Please by all means, don't let it be confused with indigestion... because HA! that passes... love is not supposed to be seasonal.

I have such an appreciation for love, that I am completely aware now that a totally selfless love is not achievable anywhere short of heaven. In realizing that, I hope that what does find me is patient and kind... but MOSTLY..... deserving of my love in return.

You guys can all bust on my love for Noah... from The Notebook... say it isn't possible... etc... go for it... I am sorry you've never had that, truly... but I am not closing the door on it being possible. I refuse. If that means I live the next 50 years sorting through bullshit... so be it.... if it means I spend 50 years writing about it... so be it. But I stand by my convictions... the dreamer in me says find it. Go get it.

Own it.... own it like anyone owns their convictions. Judge me if you will... pray for me if you would like.... and love me... because I'm worth it.

In closing, a song that has slipped my mind for a long time.... that I have always loved completely. Fair? Who knows.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

State of Mind

Wowza.... yep... that's how I am starting this thing off tonight.

I am having the best week I have had in.... mmmm let's just go with awhile.... yep, that's a fair assessment. Las Vegas was.... fantastic (ahhh that looks like such a small word). The lights, the sounds, the company, the food... all off the chart as far as describable goes, so I won't attempt to, but I will tell you that it was exactly what I needed. Maybe what I have needed for some time. I feel like me....myself... I...!!!! I was blown away with the amount of detail in everything there...definitely going to visit again.

In addition, there has seemed to be a great soundtrack rolling along with me, since about Saturday, that hasn't paused or missed a beat. It's rolled from rock, pop, rap, country... into trance several times... and let me tell you.... the trance was mmmm the best ever. ;)

When I left Vegas, I left a little heavy hearted, seemed I wouldn't be ready to get back to the real world, but I was pleasantly surprised. Getting back to Florida, I was tackled by my girls at the security gate, they really missed me.  We did dinner with family, and then spent today laying on the beach. Not just any beach mind you... but THE beach. White sand, emerald water, and my butt parked there on the sand soaking up the rays. Just how I love it. Driving around today, I was greeted with that familiarity of being home, that you cannot replace with anything else. My heart was happy. Windows down, 99 Rock blaring, hair blowing, and sunglasses on... you really cannot ask for much more.

The way I am feeling lately, is on a healing path. I am crazy about my life... my family.... and my friends, and I really am quite content.

Plus I got to spend some time with my camera, always a perk.... check it!

This is looking out from the Venetian... one of my favorites that I got to tour....

Yep, Paris baby....

This is actually right before I left, at my house...

The water today was COLD!!!

I told you it was cold :)

Something goes here about toes...water... and sand...

Hailey was building a sand castle...

Okay, you have to blow this pic up and check it out... maybe one of the best I've ever taken.

Yep, home sweet home.

The end :) (for now)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Over the Snuggly Stuff

Today I am over all the snuggly stuff that's been plaguing me for days... big heavy sigh of relief from anyone that has been following these ramblings.

I have moved on... started packing for my trip to Las Vegas this weekend and the rest of next week in my SUNSHINE state (that's Florida people....)  :)

I have passed excited about going to Las Vegas and have entered the realm of this guy's enthusiasm:

It has been a very different year so far. Things have been an extreme of highs and lows, with very few in the middle down times. This vacation comes in at a much needed time for me, and I am so thankful to have the ability to go. I have heard everyone on the planets opinion of me going out to Vegas, and to be perfectly honest, I don't care.

I don't care if you think it's irresponsible, dangerous, IRRESPONSIBLE.... etc. I love you all, but this trip is not about you, it's solely about me. I realize that it's a party city... hence the trip. I have a lot to party about! The girls will be in the best hands possible... probably even better off than when they're with me :P 

Sometimes, you've just got to make yourself first.

Rant over... happy dance back on!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Notebook

The passion driven Ryan Gosling plays Noah... we've all seen it... if you haven't seen it... take the rest of the day off work and go get the movie... take it home and watch.

This is what women want. We sell ourselves short a lot because we are not acutely aware of any of these type men actually on the planet... at least I have yet to meet one. (Any of you girls that have one... pat yourself on the back) (in addition I mean no disrespect to the men that I have spent time with at all, they've been good people, great friends, and well.... more or less the other guy in this movie... and she does love him too).

Noah falls in love with Allie from the very beginning. They're crazy about each other... cannot get enough. But when she is pulled from his life.... not only does he write her letters (swoon) consistently for a year.... he spends the next 7 years of his life missing her.... then building her dream home for her.... when she arrives on scene again, he doesn't leave things unsaid... he doesn't wish there was a right moment... he grabs her there in the pouring rain and tells her, "it's still not over." of course followed by one of those love making scenes that if you've been fortunate to have in your life.... stick with you in your memory bank forever.

He realizes that he lost her once.... and he intends to never let that mistake happen again. Not ever. This hopeless romantic... that's me. The fact that he never gave up, never walked away, never faded in his passion even after so much time had passed.... is that real? Is that possible?

To my dearest Noah.... If you're a bird.... I'm a bird.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Girls with Guns

I have been planning on practicing shooting my 9mm for nearly a year now. Not getting to use it often makes me very nervous about ever having to use it in an emergency situation and not being able to because a bullet is stuck or I forgot to chamber a bullet etc.... the list can get extensive.

In addition, being in our home alone now, with Bandit the tiny as my guard dog, I have felt a little uneasy. Having a loaded gun in the house brings me some ease, but with 2 small kiddos in the house... that again added to my nausea. Having the resources to hook the girls up with some instruction on weapons has been on my to do list for some time. This weekends gorgeous weather provided the right time.

The girls were very nervous, but after much watching and waiting we all got our turn. They really listened well, and I was quite proud of the seriousness they mustered up (seriousness is hard when you're 7). 

It didn't take me too terribly long to feel familiar with the gun again, and I am already promising myself it will not be another year and a half before I shoot it again. The most dangerous weapon is one that you are scared of.

 Becoming familiar with my gun... I'd say was time well spent.

 Hailey watching as her sister learns gun safety. The girls both did very well today! So proud!

Faith was very nervous, as you can see from her very shy stance here, but she came out of her shell. All of the new things that make her nervous are good challenges for her to take on. 

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Honey Do...Due?

One of the unique perks/downfalls of moving is leaving old neighbors and meeting new ones. Where my new house sits, I really only technically have one neighbor. We'll call him Bob. Bob is a very friendly Asian/American man near.... 60ish...? (Give or take a few years). He is retired military.

Every weekend since I have moved in, as I am unpacking, I see Bob diligently working in his yard, washing his cars, putting in sprinklers, carrying in boxes of tile, adding Bonsai bushes... you name it. His yard is beautiful. His grass was even green in January. I am positive he has white carpet and furniture in which my children even laying eyes on would cost me 10k in damages.

We speak casually every time I see him, and there is where my story lies.

His wife died a year and a half ago. They had been married for a long.....long.... time.

She loved their house very much. All of the work that he does to this house now, are things that she left for him on a Honey do list. Every weekend, he goes out and tends to flowers that she picked for their yard, he fluffs the pillows in the vibrant colors she wanted on the back patio, he walks her tea cup yappy dog.

Today, he was tiling a back splash in the kitchen. Again he tells me, "My wife left me a honey do list, and I'm slowly crossing things off for the last year and a half." I tell him that his yard looks beautiful, and he tells me, "It's exactly how she wanted it, her dream."

Thinking about it later, I am so extremely curious how their relationship was when she was here. Did he take the time to do the things on her lists when she was present? Or is this a guilt list? The romantic in me, says he was always doting on her, and in doing the things on her list still a year and a half later, he finds his way to be connected to her, in their home.

I want that. I'm due. I watch him from my kitchen window, as he cuts the grass and then waters the flowers. I know already he will work this way both Saturday and Sunday, and when I see him again, he will wave, and tell me about the Honey Do list. I find, I'm actually looking forward to the story. The reminder that love like that is real, is always nice to hear again and again.

Kinda makes me think silly little songs like this are for real people.... (yes I have an immature crush on this song)