Saturday, March 26, 2011

Through the Looking Glass

My Alice in Wonderland reference is due to my noticing lately that things are not as they appear. I am finding joy in strange little things that I would have had no need for at all two months ago, and the things that normally made my weekends better, I am not a part of. This blog.... for instance... has brought me much peace. It allows me to speak my mind to a small audience that actually gets it. 

I am sitting here tonight, fighting sleep off, because it is still early, and nearly all of my nights these days are restless. I fight sleep now, so that hopefully I will not be awake at 3am. My emotions have been relatively calm today. He switched his vacation from our trip to Las Vegas....he's going to Honduras now for a dive trip. Las Vegas will be completely different now, than anything I had previously foreseen. I am okay though. Then I look at that statement... I am okay though? WTF. Since when do I measure how I am doing with okay? A mediocre at best slur attempt to sum up how I feel without making anyone want to ask me in any more depth out of fear that I may burst into tears in front of them answer??? Great, I think... I am great...? Let's toy with that one later.

No one at work talks to me anymore. I work in an office full of guys, that also know him, and they don't seem to have too much to say to me these days. I am not sure what all that is about, but it makes me want to break something. I've been reading a book about traveling all the time, not just for vacation... but living out... in the world... really living.  I feel like I have been trapped in a Lifetime movie ever since the kids were born. I've got to stop feeling like they slow me down and get out there and let them be curious about this world too. 

Time it seems, is the gift we take idiotically for granted. I am done wasting it. 

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