I have been writing like crazy in my mind all week long. However none of it has made it to the keyboard simply out of fear that once I put it all down on paper I cannot take it back. The things that have been haunting my mind have been taking their toll on me. The middle of the week was emotionally like crossing Saharra Desert. I had psycho analyzed our relationship until I made myself physically ill. Weighing risks and value seem to be a new constant for me.
My mind seems to be unable to really put everything together for me so that things aren't in constant battle against each other. The yin and yang has not been doing me any good as far as sleep goes. I have been tossing and turning and restless all through the nights.
The odd part is, I am starting to feel stronger. I am coming to terms with the things I cannot change. I am also learning that this isn't entirely my fault. Beating myself up over what I could have done differently to make things work. So instead of starting with a blank canvas and painting my life as I see it, I am trying to get from a splatter painting back to a blank canvas. Fresh and clean. Wish me luck.