Thursday, February 24, 2011

End of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

  Sitting at work yesterday I realized that my head was actually about to explode. How is it that going through a separation that isn't even hostile can make you hurt so badly. My marriage of 4 years is being pulled apart and separated into piles of yours and mine and I seem to be the only one upset. Yes, it's been nice not fighting with you, and I'm glad you still want to come to the kids softball games and dance recitals, but my heart hurts inside even though I think this is the right choice.

   Why am I hurting when I know it's the right decision? I stare at my computer monitor but my ability to actually do my work is eluding me. The clock on the wall is laughing at my blank expression, I just know it. I haven't slept in days or maybe it's been weeks? I lay there night after night my mind playing slide shows of possibilities on the screen behind my eyes. I feel numbness spread over me and fall into a dreamless sleep only to wake two hours later covered in cold sweat and sobbing.

  So again, I sit at my computer trying to figure out where I am going. I make a doctors appointment so that I can go tell my sob story and be prescribed something to sleep, something to bring back the numb. Leaving I drive past Sport's Authority and I flip the car around. I sit in the parking lot staring at the sign, Authority seems to be beckoning me. The word is rolling around in my mouth trying desperately to escape the border of my tongue. I whisper the word, "authority" it sounds good to my ears, so I try it a little louder, "AUTHORITY." Yes, hmm. I would like some authority back in my life. I am taking control.

  I meander around until I come across a shirt that says simply, "RUN." It seems God is talking to me in fitness gear today, but I will take it. I know when I am being given messages and when to just ignore that voice in my head, so I buy a pair of running shoes and skip my doctors appointment. Driving home was one of those afternoons when you can't help but roll the windows down, so I did. I let the radio play,and my mind drifted over the possibilities for the first time without a negative light surrounding all of them.

   Oh I know I am not cured. I know I am nowhere near over it. Every single day is going to be a battle for awhile. But I have to make the choice, "Xanax or my running shoes?"

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