Bloggidy Blah

Yesterday I went to the orthodontist. They replaced my wires with the largest wires they have and added 4 rubber bands to my mouth so that it no longer opens even wide enough for a spoon to go in. This is a problem for me. I love food. I need it. In addition, the pain is so severe that I actually feel like I was in some sort of accident. Now I didn't start this blog to whine on and on about my braces or the communists that torture me by adjusting my braces...

I started this blog to let you know, that when I am on Valium (given to me by orthodontist for pain and muscle relaxation in my jaw) that thoughts no longer form into valid whole sentences. Everything kind of floats around. My brain starts processing things about 5 minutes after they actually happen. I look for the right word to say, and by the time I think that I have found it, I no longer remember the sentence it was supposed to go with. Hmmm...

Medicines have always had weird affects on me. Most people can take a Loratab for pain and go on about their day, I take pain medicine of any sort and it puts me into a 12 hour coma followed by a 6 hour fog.

The only enjoyable part being that it actually slows my brain to the point where I no longer feel frantic and stressed because of all the other things on my plate. So my goal, is to find a way to chill out and mellow down when I am not actually injured. What good methods unstress you? What do you wrap your mind around when you want all the daily junk to just take 5?

This is as far as I can go tonight, mostly because right now, I honestly don't care, about a whole lot at all. Russell made dinner and cleaned up last night and tonight, managed to get the 2 little ones in bed, and make sure I didn't need anything in the process. I'm liking his new knight in shining armor bit, it looks great on him. :)

I am feeling so mellow that this is the song that popped into my head to share... enjoy.
Before you listen to it though... let me tell you what I see when I hear this song. Picture a hot June night, deep in Southern America. A field full of wild sweet grass and dandelions. Girl standing in a yellow sundress with bare feet staring up at a sky full of more stars than you could ever count. Picnic basket and blanket on the ground near by, where her favorite boy is laying watching her in awe.... that's what I see when I hear this song. (oh and of course this girl is a rocking brunette that slightly resembles yours truly) hehehe

Damn it Feels Good to Be a Gangsta....

Office Space anyone? Still probably my all time favorite movie.... and today I have been humming the theme song, damn it feels good to be a gangsta and replacing gangsta with Warrior... in honor of this weeks warrior dash and a meek attempt to make myself PUMPED UP....

Thus far it isn't working, but it is a constant reminder of my favorite movie :) So to close out Friday... and to end that FOREVER long work week... I hope you're wearing all 15 pieces of your flair....

Oh... and Damn it feels good to be a gangsta... I really need to order this movie.... no idea what happened to my copy.

AND LASTLY...

Wish me luck... cause the next time you hear from me... I will be a warrior... think I can get some cool theme music to play when I walk into a room? Someone work on that for me would ya?? hehehehe 

The Sound of Silence

When the girls finally lay down their heads and fall asleep, and the dogs all find their happy places around my feet, and the cats snuggle in the chair beside me, and Russell is off on a pool night... the house goes quiet. It's a strange quiet that I am pretty unfamiliar with. The only sound to be heard is the soft whirl of the ceiling fan and the steady ticking of every clock in the house.

It never ceases to amaze me how loud quiet actually can become. The clocks... they make me crazy. Tick and then tock... and click click click... the seconds... they fall away... fading into the past... and when the silence is so loud with the passing of time, I find myself looking for things to do. I must do something... listen to the moments passing by!

I am currently working on my very first novel. I found a writing contest called Operation First Novel, and the winner gets a check for 25k and published... It must be at least 75,000 words long, and it is due in September. I feel like the seconds that are sliding past are chances that I need to be focused on completing it. However, I find I cannot write on it all the time. I have to be in a certain mood... imagination has to be pouring out of me. I find I am usually not stuck in front of a computer when those moments hit me. Maybe I need a voice recorder... ideas? Sigh... the clock... it's relentless tonight. I must get up and focus on something...

I think the looming 30 year mark is also affecting me somehow... I have accomplished much... but there is much left to do!! :) I hope all of my readers are not sitting anywhere near the gosh darn clock in the room.

Here's a cool pic I snatched on my way home from work... cloud junky... that's me.

oh and if you have forgotten... here's a classic reminder of the Sound of Silence.

Carpe Diem- Life Lesson of the Day

I have this ability to see things... hmmm... not like what's his face from that one Bruce Willis movie.... I don't see dead people.... but in polar opposite, I see life in things. Let me give you an example... I enjoy my drive home (understatement) I love my car time... it's ME time... and I happen to live in one of the most beautiful green, flowery, every kind of tree, horses, llamas, and farmy areas in Alabama.

Daily on my drive home, I watch the sun start to fade behind this gorgeously rusted metal barn. It's a beautiful old building, and my mind runs through how long it's been there, the livestock that has run through it, and the love stories kindled in the hay loft. I'm a writer by nature, it's what I do.

This barn... was damaged by our recent tornado events... and it kind of crushed me that I had never stopped... Never captured that picture that I had wanted to so many times. It's kind of a hard road to stop on, there's not much shoulder and the ditches are really deep.... but I do not know what is in store for this barn... another couple weeks it may be missing all together.... with no record of its existence at all. Isn't that the way it goes?

So today, I am all about Carpe Diem... stop waiting... GO DO. Here's my lesson... in all of it's glory.

If I Could TAP Dance for You.... I WOULDN'T.

It's been that day... the one where someone says something about you... that they cannot ever take back or undo... where you sit there staring at them.... glaring a hole in the middle of their forehead to prevent you from grabbing them by their stupid ugly face and beating them into the wall. Yep, it's been that day.

Oh... and it wasn't Russell. lol. Guess that's important to get out of the way to start with.

Anyway... some allegations were made toward me today that left me in a state of shock... once that wore off I was absolutely more angry than I think I may have ever been at another point in my life. Anger is a very difficult emotion for me to contain.... I normally get pissed to the point that HOT tears well in my eyes and burn down my face only to make me that much more PISSED off that now someone has made me mad to the point that I am crying over it. If you ever have the ability to make me cry in public.... I highly suggest you follow it with running... because WRATH is following....

To put it lightly it has ruined the remainder of my day... which has also seriously ANNOYED me. I hate feeling this way, but I also know that it is time for me to move on and this is just more proof of the same. Hopefully I can get my brain back to the E side of the pissed off-ometer shortly. DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS.

I need an angry song... hmm...yes this should do NICELY.

Um Did I Sign Up for This???

My life has been absolute crazy.... MAYHEM...lately.... to the point they called to see if I wanted to do my own Allstate commercial.... (okay that was a lame joke... sorry) but in all seriousness, the last several months. WHOOOAAAA.

What I am getting at is that when I started all this and God sent me out after my little pair of RUNNING SHOES... over my Xanax perscription, I did something completely crazy and signed up for a 5k run through mud and obstacles called WARRIOR DASH.... Check it.... www.warriordash.com

UM... WTF was I thinking???? JEANNA.... testing... testing.... is this thing on?

It is May 14th.... ummmmm 11 days away. I haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks.... I went to Las Vegas, went to Florida, came home to work on my relationship with Russell, got hit with tornadoes... OMG and now BOOM.... I have 11 days to train... well strike that... 10 days because hahahahaha we all know my butt is on the computer right now and not doing anything with the rest of today.

So.... starting tomorrow... it's back to the gym immediately after work....I have 10 days to make May 14th hurt just a little bit less.... oh and in any hope to actually cross the finish line.... because BWAHAHAHAHA right now? It's a fantasy.... you know... not just a regular fantasy... but the one where Brad Pitt and Robert Downey Jr. drive up in my 2011 red Camaro convertible with white pin stripes fantasy to deliver me the keys and their services for the day. It just AIN'T HAPPENIN PEOPLE.

The next few weeks I will keep you posted on how I progress.... yes I am still smirking.... all right, time to cowboy up and get down to business.

Here's a little inspiration for you... cough cough... I meant me.

SMASH MOUTH, ALL STAR

Yes, I embedded the link... because all the kinks aren't out of my internet yet, and it doesn't have the guts to pull from YouTube like normal.

Tornado schmamado

Well it's been 5 days since tornadoes went BUCK wild through Alabama, and it will be many months before people even start to realize the magnitude of what actually happened to the state. People have come together, other states have stepped in to help with our power, there's been a lot of kindness through the disaster... but there are also looters and crazy people that do not have the capacity to be civil kind human beings. Alabama actually stated... those people can be shot on scene. I wish that was always the rule. Honestly.

I am a bit disappointed in the way some of this is being handled, but hey... I suppose that's life. Let me tell you about the good parts.

When the weather was about 30-45 minutes out, the schools called (at 11:30 am) to tell us kids needed to be picked up from school by 12:15. We had coworkers in town from Washington D.C. and we were at lunch (we had taken Russell's truck). I relayed the message that I had 45 minutes to pick up the girls, so we haul tail back to the office. As we are getting there to drop of our coworkers, the sky is turning a freaky black/green color... like a week old bruise.

He looks over at me... he still has a meeting to go to.... he asks if I will be okay driving in this... I look a little nervous towards him... and he jumps out of the car and goes and collects his things from the office. We leave my car in the parking lot and head towards the kids school.  This is what is moving toward us at a scary alarming pace:

As we start to head down the highway, the first wall hits us, hail starts pelting the truck, barricades from the road work are flying across the street and then flying back the other direction as quickly as the went right... they went left again. Signs began blowing down, trees bending at alarming lows. I was so incredibly thankful he left with me and we were in his truck and not my car. After the remainder of the day panning out in similar terrifying moments followed by a break in the clouds and spots of sunshine... we were left totally in the dark with no cell service at all.

It wasn't until the next day when we got up... we started to realize how close we had been and what was complete devastation around us in both directions. Here is what one side of our main street looks like... and within a half mile on the other side of us... it looks the same. This is so close to us it's still freaking me out.

Now I am not one to throw out that, "God was looking out for me line..." because then it sounds like He wasn't looking out for any of those other people who are experiencing an insane loss in their life right now either losing family members or their homes and all they own. I do believe all things happen for a reason though, and we'll leave it at that. It could have been us. That's the real reality of it. But it wasn't, and I feel very humbled in that fact.

Since the storm... we emptied the fridge and freezer into the garbage, and headed south where there was family and electricity. The last couple days have been a really great bonding time for Russell and I as well. I cannot imagine going through that without him. He was absolutely there for me and the girls. He calmed us, prevented any panic, and made sure we felt secure. Drove to Florida until nearly 3 am in the morning... woke to make us breakfast Saturday morning.

Then he did something that maybe I shouldn't share... but made me feel... that warm sweet girlie feeling that I have thought was hopelessly locked up in my head somewhere and unachievable.... I was feeling dirty and grimy from the past two long days... very stressed out but relieved we were all together and safe.... once i was in the shower he washed and conditioned my hair  for me. He took his time, rinsed it thoroughly, running his fingers over and over again... the stress poured off of me... as I relaxed...  we spent Sunday checking in with friends and making sure all of our peeps in Alabama were doing ok... but we were also able to take a nice little walk and dig up some blackberry bushes to take home to our yard... Headed back to help our neighbors out, now that we won't be hindering them. Keep Alabama in your thoughts, cause you really never know when it will happen wherever you are standing.

Clarity is an Amazing Thing

Perspective.... ahhhhh wonderful ol perspective. What a wonderful thing to find yourself full of. If you have to be full of something... perspective is always a plus.

This morning "we" left for school and work actually early... why? Because my team is whole again. No more manic morning crazy sitcom battle of the 2 against 1 lowly mom. I tag teamed him in, and he had them chaired, pinned down and out the door before I could even finish my hair. Then he handed me a cup of coffee. Something inside me sincerely in all embarrassing honesty broke into a happy dance that I could never possibly duplicate or ever admit to again...

Nearly to work almost 20 minutes early... we realized we had forgotten something at the house. We U-turned down a farm road neither of us had taken before in hopes it would lead back towards home. After a storm filled night, the morning sky was a damp heavy air blue, thick with possibilities for the day. The hay growing in the fields shown a green so true that I was captivated as we drove past. This road I had never been down, may possibly be one of the most beautiful little S-curvy roads I've ever had the privilege to ride upon... and I pass it everyday. I've lived here for just over 4 years.

He reached over and held my hand as we drove... I looked out the window.... heart busting it's borders like the Grinch who stole Christmas, and all I can think is how glad I was that we forgot something at home.  I know that things will not always be butterflies, rainbows, and puppy dogs... there will be more storms... but if the storms are followed by mornings like this, then isn't that what it's really all about?

The Road Less Traveled

Things seem to come and go so quickly. We move through our days in a rat race situation... alarm goes off, shower, dress, kids on bus, drive to the office, sit at desk, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, decide what is for lunch, go eat, come back, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, stare accusingly at the stubborn clock, get back in car, avoid the gym, pick up kids from school, listen to them argue on 5 minute car ride, make dinner, help with homework, do dishes, run to some sort of extra curricular activity, showers, crash.... REPEAT.

But on extraordinairy days, those days where the stars are aligned in different patterns, new things come into our sights. My experiences over the last several months have been a combination of typical rat race days mixed with excitement, terror, panic, anxiety, prayer, friendship, and love.

I have made new friends that I will no doubt have for the rest of my life. I have been learning that I am indeed a strong woman whose weaknesses do not make me less of a strong person, but in fact help add depth to my character.

Realizing these things have made me see that my NOTEBOOK analogies, may be a little far fetched... and not in the sense that I no longer believe that kind of love is real... but in a whole new aspect. There are people I could come in contact with for the rest of my days that I would bond to, have strong chemistry, endure trials and tribulations, love to explore the world next to, or have incredibly passionate sex with... but the reality is that I already picked someone to do those things with everyday.

Russell may not be my Noah... and I am okay with that... because... well he is my Russell. There were vows spoken that have bonded us to each other that in today's day and age seem to easily fall to the wayside. To put in the work and effort together to be bigger than today's NORM is worth it. I believe that people can change when they encounter situations that can cost them their entire world. My world was altered several months ago, his realization came later... but came.

Today is Easter Sunday, and I spent the weekend being completely open to the idea of our family being reconnected. It was quite difficult at first, I won't lie. I was jaded, sheltered, hiding... but the reality of it was I could only give him a real chance if I gave it 100 percent of me. Being open and honest, earned me 150 percent of him.

Choices to go left or right... they're complicated. Going one way or the other doesn't necessarily mean a choice between wrong or right. Both roads may lead to somewhere exotic and fantastic. Both roads may lead to even harder left and right choices... and once you take a road, you realize you will never be back to take the other path... but that's part of the journey. Set your course, allow room for some adjustments along the way, but in knowing yourself and letting God steer your direction is all the assurance you should need.

Today's Song...

A Tale from a Jeanna Past

Whenever my heart is heavy and my pen is empty I pick up journals from times gone by in my life. Journals from days when I used to actually write for hours on end, and keep dozens of blank beautiful journals on hand for my ramblings. Today I read through the journal I kept when I was pregnant with Hailey (my 10 year old daughter...my oldest).

I was 19 when I was pregnant with her, and it was quite a trying time for me. Funny.... as I look back... some of my writing remains the same today as it was then, and some of my writing then shows my naive youth in all it's glory.

May 21, 2000
Dreams are plaguing me these days. Dreams of being alone for the rest of my life. Waking up and not recognizing anything around me...not my furniture, people, the house. No one can understand me, we aren't speaking the same language. They all look away from me when I speak. Then I dream that I am awakened, the man sleeping beside me is there to comfort me. The moonlight pours through an open window, and in the distance I hear a train. Then I hear a child screaming.... faintly. The clock reads 1:15am I listen as closely as I can, I hear the child again. I shake my husband, he rolls over. I shake him harder, tears building in my eyes. he wakes. Did you hear that? No.... he listens... he hears nothing... he closes the window and tells me it was a dream.
The tears fall as he drifts back to sleep. I wonder if I am ok. Is that child ok... or is it surrounded by a bunch of closed windows and broken dreams? Will all it's hopes be pinned on dreams? Will someone ever realize for the screaming child that a dream will only let your mind free through an open window.


August 7, 2000
Today I dreamed the dream of many, life of few, future for some, desire for all. I dreamt of a happiness nearly unexplainable. I went outside and sat on the grass barefoot...just to feel it between my toes. I ran my fingers through the fresh cut blades and took a deep breath just to smell life. It smelled clean, fresh, and anxiously delicious.


There is power in your vision and wisdom in your words....Good night world.  Check it.

Untitled for a Season

My heart and mind are not in the same place currently... and somewhere in the mix my soul is screaming out. In the midst of all the commotion and noise, I cannot make out what they are saying independently.

Trying to find that still quiet place inside myself to sit and just be seems like quite a feat currently. I have so very much bottled to say.... but unfortunately due to my audience this is no longer a speak free and clear zone for me.... all I know is at some point, I will snap... and the words will flow.

Until then.... here I am.... silenced.

 Creed - My Own Prison

State of Mind

Wowza.... yep... that's how I am starting this thing off tonight.

I am having the best week I have had in.... mmmm let's just go with awhile.... yep, that's a fair assessment. Las Vegas was.... fantastic (ahhh that looks like such a small word). The lights, the sounds, the company, the food... all off the chart as far as describable goes, so I won't attempt to, but I will tell you that it was exactly what I needed. Maybe what I have needed for some time. I feel like me....myself... I...!!!! I was blown away with the amount of detail in everything there...definitely going to visit again.

In addition, there has seemed to be a great soundtrack rolling along with me, since about Saturday, that hasn't paused or missed a beat. It's rolled from rock, pop, rap, country... into trance several times... and let me tell you.... the trance was mmmm the best ever. ;)

When I left Vegas, I left a little heavy hearted, seemed I wouldn't be ready to get back to the real world, but I was pleasantly surprised. Getting back to Florida, I was tackled by my girls at the security gate, they really missed me.  We did dinner with family, and then spent today laying on the beach. Not just any beach mind you... but THE beach. White sand, emerald water, and my butt parked there on the sand soaking up the rays. Just how I love it. Driving around today, I was greeted with that familiarity of being home, that you cannot replace with anything else. My heart was happy. Windows down, 99 Rock blaring, hair blowing, and sunglasses on... you really cannot ask for much more.

The way I am feeling lately, is on a healing path. I am crazy about my life... my family.... and my friends, and I really am quite content.

Plus I got to spend some time with my camera, always a perk.... check it!

This is looking out from the Venetian... one of my favorites that I got to tour....

Yep, Paris baby....

This is actually right before I left, at my house...

The water today was COLD!!!

I told you it was cold :)

Something goes here about toes...water... and sand...

Hailey was building a sand castle...

Okay, you have to blow this pic up and check it out... maybe one of the best I've ever taken.

Yep, home sweet home.

The end :) (for now)

Over the Snuggly Stuff

Today I am over all the snuggly stuff that's been plaguing me for days... big heavy sigh of relief from anyone that has been following these ramblings.

I have moved on... started packing for my trip to Las Vegas this weekend and the rest of next week in my SUNSHINE state (that's Florida people....)  :)

I have passed excited about going to Las Vegas and have entered the realm of this guy's enthusiasm:

It has been a very different year so far. Things have been an extreme of highs and lows, with very few in the middle down times. This vacation comes in at a much needed time for me, and I am so thankful to have the ability to go. I have heard everyone on the planets opinion of me going out to Vegas, and to be perfectly honest, I don't care.

I don't care if you think it's irresponsible, dangerous, IRRESPONSIBLE.... etc. I love you all, but this trip is not about you, it's solely about me. I realize that it's a party city... hence the trip. I have a lot to party about! The girls will be in the best hands possible... probably even better off than when they're with me :P 

Sometimes, you've just got to make yourself first.

Rant over... happy dance back on!!

The Notebook

The passion driven Ryan Gosling plays Noah... we've all seen it... if you haven't seen it... take the rest of the day off work and go get the movie... take it home and watch.

This is what women want. We sell ourselves short a lot because we are not acutely aware of any of these type men actually on the planet... at least I have yet to meet one. (Any of you girls that have one... pat yourself on the back) (in addition I mean no disrespect to the men that I have spent time with at all, they've been good people, great friends, and well.... more or less the other guy in this movie... and she does love him too).

Noah falls in love with Allie from the very beginning. They're crazy about each other... cannot get enough. But when she is pulled from his life.... not only does he write her letters (swoon) consistently for a year.... he spends the next 7 years of his life missing her.... then building her dream home for her.... when she arrives on scene again, he doesn't leave things unsaid... he doesn't wish there was a right moment... he grabs her there in the pouring rain and tells her, "it's still not over." of course followed by one of those love making scenes that if you've been fortunate to have in your life.... stick with you in your memory bank forever.

He realizes that he lost her once.... and he intends to never let that mistake happen again. Not ever. This hopeless romantic... that's me. The fact that he never gave up, never walked away, never faded in his passion even after so much time had passed.... is that real? Is that possible?

To my dearest Noah.... If you're a bird.... I'm a bird.

Girls with Guns

I have been planning on practicing shooting my 9mm for nearly a year now. Not getting to use it often makes me very nervous about ever having to use it in an emergency situation and not being able to because a bullet is stuck or I forgot to chamber a bullet etc.... the list can get extensive.

In addition, being in our home alone now, with Bandit the tiny as my guard dog, I have felt a little uneasy. Having a loaded gun in the house brings me some ease, but with 2 small kiddos in the house... that again added to my nausea. Having the resources to hook the girls up with some instruction on weapons has been on my to do list for some time. This weekends gorgeous weather provided the right time.

The girls were very nervous, but after much watching and waiting we all got our turn. They really listened well, and I was quite proud of the seriousness they mustered up (seriousness is hard when you're 7). 

It didn't take me too terribly long to feel familiar with the gun again, and I am already promising myself it will not be another year and a half before I shoot it again. The most dangerous weapon is one that you are scared of.

 Becoming familiar with my gun... I'd say was time well spent.

 Hailey watching as her sister learns gun safety. The girls both did very well today! So proud!

Faith was very nervous, as you can see from her very shy stance here, but she came out of her shell. All of the new things that make her nervous are good challenges for her to take on. 

The Honey Do...Due?

One of the unique perks/downfalls of moving is leaving old neighbors and meeting new ones. Where my new house sits, I really only technically have one neighbor. We'll call him Bob. Bob is a very friendly Asian/American man near.... 60ish...? (Give or take a few years). He is retired military.

Every weekend since I have moved in, as I am unpacking, I see Bob diligently working in his yard, washing his cars, putting in sprinklers, carrying in boxes of tile, adding Bonsai bushes... you name it. His yard is beautiful. His grass was even green in January. I am positive he has white carpet and furniture in which my children even laying eyes on would cost me 10k in damages.

We speak casually every time I see him, and there is where my story lies.

His wife died a year and a half ago. They had been married for a long.....long.... time.

She loved their house very much. All of the work that he does to this house now, are things that she left for him on a Honey do list. Every weekend, he goes out and tends to flowers that she picked for their yard, he fluffs the pillows in the vibrant colors she wanted on the back patio, he walks her tea cup yappy dog.

Today, he was tiling a back splash in the kitchen. Again he tells me, "My wife left me a honey do list, and I'm slowly crossing things off for the last year and a half." I tell him that his yard looks beautiful, and he tells me, "It's exactly how she wanted it, her dream."

Thinking about it later, I am so extremely curious how their relationship was when she was here. Did he take the time to do the things on her lists when she was present? Or is this a guilt list? The romantic in me, says he was always doting on her, and in doing the things on her list still a year and a half later, he finds his way to be connected to her, in their home.

I want that. I'm due. I watch him from my kitchen window, as he cuts the grass and then waters the flowers. I know already he will work this way both Saturday and Sunday, and when I see him again, he will wave, and tell me about the Honey Do list. I find, I'm actually looking forward to the story. The reminder that love like that is real, is always nice to hear again and again.

Kinda makes me think silly little songs like this are for real people.... (yes I have an immature crush on this song)

Angels Times Three

I had to go to the orthodontist this morning. He's a communist... WHAT?          He is.

After they water boarded me, and tightened my teeth to the point that I broke into tears and confessed every sin I've ever committed, they took my money and dumped me back into the alley out front. I climbed helplessly back into my car, safe from my tormentors for another 5 weeks.

When I started the car, I was met by one of my all time favorite songs, the Black Crowes, "She Talks to Angels," and I am instantly transported to Pensacola Beach, Florida, standing out of the sunroof of my best friend's Honda Accord on a hot July night. "Yeah she gives a smile when the pain comes, the pain gonna make everything all right...." oh and it does. Slightly because I am moderately masochist and slightly because pain is a reminder that I am living and I can feel wholly. I switch the wipers on and head out into the rainy March morning... mouth sore.

What follows my song however, is Melissa Ethridge's, "Angels Would Fall," and I can't help but think I stumbled into an angelic lineup this morning on my random iPod...interesting. "The rope that's wrapped around me, is cutting through my skin, and the doubts that have surrounded me, are finding their way in," I listen as she goes on to speak of someone that would have the ability to makes angels want to fall from grace, and I realize that I do not ever want to make that mistake again. No one should have the ability to completely change who you are. Growing and adapting together is one thing, but to fall and allow yourself to become someone you yourself are not familiar with, NO WAY.

Of course as my luck would have it, the last song that hits before I get back to work is Counting Crows, "Angels of the Silences," Now I believe I am being given a message of some sort, so I pay attention to the lyrics.... as if I am not fluent in them. "Well I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand, Did it make it any easier to leave me where I stand? I guess there might not be too many who would stand beside you now, Where'd you come from? Where am I going?" The last question sticks with me, where am I going?

The only true answer that came to mind, EVERYWHERE. I am going everywhere. Enjoy the music.

Rock Climbing and Thunder Storms

This weekend was a plethora of crappy weather across the Tennessee Valley, and I enjoyed every second of it.

Friday night was the beginning of a torrential downpour complete with the light show and booming thunder. It continued through the night right into our Saturday morning, which of course canceled opening day for softball, but allowed me to stay tucked in bed long into the morning...which I desperately needed. Laying there listening to the storm go on outside, I fell into a coma.

It rained that way all day long, bringing the girls and me into the living room for a cozy fire and all of our own reading time. I love how rarely our television is on. I love how much the girls don't seem to mind this fact. They tell me about their far away stories they are both engulfed in, and I smile.... content.  There is a lot to be said for content.

That night was very similar to Friday, again I slept deeply. When Sunday morning finally meandered into sight, the dark clouds seemed irrelevant. They girls and I went out for adventure. We drove to Chattanooga, Tennessee for our very first rock climbing experience. I was not sure how this was going to go for me, seeing how I am SO FRIGGIN SCARED OF HEIGHTS.... for lack of better words.

Hailey, she was fearless. She wanted to go first... and go she did. The kid scampered up the side of 50 foot rock like she'd done it a thousand times before. The rest of us stood there looking up at her in shock.

When it was my turn to climb I stood there wishing I had gone before Hailey...instead of having to go after... I gave it a shot. I am not going to sugar coat this. The mountain was cold...wet...cold...wet...and fairly EXTREMELY vertical in most spots. Once I began climbing I was even more impressed with Hailey. I did not get half as far as she was before my fear spread over me and my legs began to shake in a frenzy of cold and nerves. Having to lean back and trust the ropes to bring me back down required every ounce of trust in my being and even then I had to borrow some from a reserve that I didn't know I had.

I hit the ground with adrenaline pulsing through me like I had just hit the summit of Everest or been in a tank with sharks with a chum belt on. My body was hot, sweat was beading around my eyebrows, my hands trembling. That was intense. I am not sure I will ever get any better at it, but the rush was worth the fear. The chance was worth the trust issues that I have in my mind. Maybe eventually all of me, will start working together, and I'll be a badass. ;)

Faith, not as enthusiastic after seeing her sister be so successful managed to get up about 6 feet and then sheer panic spread over the child. She burst into tears... but when I asked her if she wanted down, her stubbornness pulled through and she said no. She hung there for a few more moments before she fell victim to the fear. Last night as I tucked her in bed, she told me she could have climbed higher if Daddy had been holding her rope... for some reason, I believed her.

The part I find amusing is how polar opposite my children are, yet they are a dead split of me. Hailey goes for it... all of it... she will succeed or die trying. Faith is still weak, and not ready for the climb. Oh the irony.

Through the Looking Glass

My Alice in Wonderland reference is due to my noticing lately that things are not as they appear. I am finding joy in strange little things that I would have had no need for at all two months ago, and the things that normally made my weekends better, I am not a part of. This blog.... for instance... has brought me much peace. It allows me to speak my mind to a small audience that actually gets it. 

I am sitting here tonight, fighting sleep off, because it is still early, and nearly all of my nights these days are restless. I fight sleep now, so that hopefully I will not be awake at 3am. My emotions have been relatively calm today. He switched his vacation from our trip to Las Vegas....he's going to Honduras now for a dive trip. Las Vegas will be completely different now, than anything I had previously foreseen. I am okay though. Then I look at that statement... I am okay though? WTF. Since when do I measure how I am doing with okay? A mediocre at best slur attempt to sum up how I feel without making anyone want to ask me in any more depth out of fear that I may burst into tears in front of them answer??? Great, I think... I am great...? Let's toy with that one later.

No one at work talks to me anymore. I work in an office full of guys, that also know him, and they don't seem to have too much to say to me these days. I am not sure what all that is about, but it makes me want to break something. I've been reading a book about traveling all the time, not just for vacation... but living out... in the world... really living.  I feel like I have been trapped in a Lifetime movie ever since the kids were born. I've got to stop feeling like they slow me down and get out there and let them be curious about this world too. 

Time it seems, is the gift we take idiotically for granted. I am done wasting it. 

Sunglasses & Tom Petty

Driving to work this morning, the sun was breaking over Monte Sano Mountain, and I was overtaken by a sheer joy. A joy so strong that I couldn't help but grin ear to ear as I tapped the steering wheel to Tom Petty's, "It's Good to be King." I drive the back roads to work, through farm land so gorgeous you forget where you are headed. My sunglasses are on, bangs hanging over one eye, and when the sunlight hits my hair the golden color makes me feel sexy. It seems a silly trivial thing, but in my car all alone, DJing my morning away, I feel empowered.

This is not a new feeling, in fact this is the feeling that I have been chasing and trying to capture in words my entire life. I feel crazy high on life. I could do or be anything in this exact moment. My stomach flutters as if I am in line for the biggest roller coaster I've ever seen. My mind rolls over events in my life quickly like a People Magazine Year in Review film reel. It's then that I realize what it is that makes me so insanely giddy. It's opportunity.

Opportunity makes me do backflips inside. I am an American woman; I can parent, go to school, go to work, coach softball, hit the gym, make love, and dance backwards in high heels....and you may think I am bragging, but I am not. I am grateful. :) 

One thing that I love most about this country is the fact that every single day when I wake up, I get to make a choice. I think people forget that, they consider all these things that they have to do... but here, you do not have to do anything. It's all choice.

Tom Petty continues on to, "Running Down a Dream," and it crosses my mind that this is where I am at right now. Not in the typical, I don't have what I want sense, but in the every opportunity I seize is something else I have achieved sense. I have also come to realize that this dream can be your everyday reality. Every single day can be your choice of events. Sounds like I am picking running shoes... oh and Tom Petty.