When the girls finally lay down their heads and fall asleep, and the dogs all find their happy places around my feet, and the cats snuggle in the chair beside me, and Russell is off on a pool night... the house goes quiet. It's a strange quiet that I am pretty unfamiliar with. The only sound to be heard is the soft whirl of the ceiling fan and the steady ticking of every clock in the house.
It never ceases to amaze me how loud quiet actually can become. The clocks... they make me crazy. Tick and then tock... and click click click... the seconds... they fall away... fading into the past... and when the silence is so loud with the passing of time, I find myself looking for things to do. I must do something... listen to the moments passing by!
I am currently working on my very first novel. I found a writing contest called Operation First Novel, and the winner gets a check for 25k and published... It must be at least 75,000 words long, and it is due in September. I feel like the seconds that are sliding past are chances that I need to be focused on completing it. However, I find I cannot write on it all the time. I have to be in a certain mood... imagination has to be pouring out of me. I find I am usually not stuck in front of a computer when those moments hit me. Maybe I need a voice recorder... ideas? Sigh... the clock... it's relentless tonight. I must get up and focus on something...
I think the looming 30 year mark is also affecting me somehow... I have accomplished much... but there is much left to do!! :) I hope all of my readers are not sitting anywhere near the gosh darn clock in the room.
Here's a cool pic I snatched on my way home from work... cloud junky... that's me.
oh and if you have forgotten... here's a classic reminder of the Sound of Silence.
Today I planted roses, tomatoes, blueberries, and blackberries... I watered, and fed... and prayed over my little plants hoping that they will grow into fruit producing giants :) You know... kind of like my mom did me as I grew.
My mom is without a doubt my very best friend. She knows KNOWS me... inside and out, and still loves me to pieces... not an easy thing to do I assure you. Not only that, my mom... well she didn't just raise me, feed me etc.... she put in the time... she asked all the questions, had all the talks, worried, cried with me, got mad with me, stood beside me, behind me, and when I was falling... under me to ease the crash.
My mom made me believe that as a woman... my possibilities are endless. She instilled value in me, for myself... to make sure that I didn't let people trod across me. She painted pictures across my mind of open fields full of golden wheat and soft sunsets when as I child I woke to terrifying dreams. She told stories, took me camping, taught me to ride a bike, belly dance, bandaged skinned knees, and eased broken hearts. She was amazing to me, as a child..... but now?
Now my mom listens to me, she cheers for me, coaches me, and takes the time to know me.... really know me. I don't know where I would be without her as a sounding board in my life. Mother's Day will never pass by without her knowing exactly what she means to me, even though words seem to small a vessel.
So this year, as in all years past... and all to come... I wish you a very Happy Mother's Day mom... thank you, for being you.
I have this ability to see things... hmmm... not like what's his face from that one Bruce Willis movie.... I don't see dead people.... but in polar opposite, I see life in things. Let me give you an example... I enjoy my drive home (understatement) I love my car time... it's ME time... and I happen to live in one of the most beautiful green, flowery, every kind of tree, horses, llamas, and farmy areas in Alabama.
Daily on my drive home, I watch the sun start to fade behind this gorgeously rusted metal barn. It's a beautiful old building, and my mind runs through how long it's been there, the livestock that has run through it, and the love stories kindled in the hay loft. I'm a writer by nature, it's what I do.
This barn... was damaged by our recent tornado events... and it kind of crushed me that I had never stopped... Never captured that picture that I had wanted to so many times. It's kind of a hard road to stop on, there's not much shoulder and the ditches are really deep.... but I do not know what is in store for this barn... another couple weeks it may be missing all together.... with no record of its existence at all. Isn't that the way it goes?
So today, I am all about Carpe Diem... stop waiting... GO DO. Here's my lesson... in all of it's glory.
It's been that day... the one where someone says something about you... that they cannot ever take back or undo... where you sit there staring at them.... glaring a hole in the middle of their forehead to prevent you from grabbing them by their stupid ugly face and beating them into the wall. Yep, it's been that day.
Oh... and it wasn't Russell. lol. Guess that's important to get out of the way to start with.
Anyway... some allegations were made toward me today that left me in a state of shock... once that wore off I was absolutely more angry than I think I may have ever been at another point in my life. Anger is a very difficult emotion for me to contain.... I normally get pissed to the point that HOT tears well in my eyes and burn down my face only to make me that much more PISSED off that now someone has made me mad to the point that I am crying over it. If you ever have the ability to make me cry in public.... I highly suggest you follow it with running... because WRATH is following....
To put it lightly it has ruined the remainder of my day... which has also seriously ANNOYED me. I hate feeling this way, but I also know that it is time for me to move on and this is just more proof of the same. Hopefully I can get my brain back to the E side of the pissed off-ometer shortly. DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS.
I need an angry song... hmm...yes this should do NICELY.
Well it's been 5 days since tornadoes went BUCK wild through Alabama, and it will be many months before people even start to realize the magnitude of what actually happened to the state. People have come together, other states have stepped in to help with our power, there's been a lot of kindness through the disaster... but there are also looters and crazy people that do not have the capacity to be civil kind human beings. Alabama actually stated... those people can be shot on scene. I wish that was always the rule. Honestly.
I am a bit disappointed in the way some of this is being handled, but hey... I suppose that's life. Let me tell you about the good parts.
When the weather was about 30-45 minutes out, the schools called (at 11:30 am) to tell us kids needed to be picked up from school by 12:15. We had coworkers in town from Washington D.C. and we were at lunch (we had taken Russell's truck). I relayed the message that I had 45 minutes to pick up the girls, so we haul tail back to the office. As we are getting there to drop of our coworkers, the sky is turning a freaky black/green color... like a week old bruise.
He looks over at me... he still has a meeting to go to.... he asks if I will be okay driving in this... I look a little nervous towards him... and he jumps out of the car and goes and collects his things from the office. We leave my car in the parking lot and head towards the kids school. This is what is moving toward us at a scary alarming pace:
As we start to head down the highway, the first wall hits us, hail starts pelting the truck, barricades from the road work are flying across the street and then flying back the other direction as quickly as the went right... they went left again. Signs began blowing down, trees bending at alarming lows. I was so incredibly thankful he left with me and we were in his truck and not my car. After the remainder of the day panning out in similar terrifying moments followed by a break in the clouds and spots of sunshine... we were left totally in the dark with no cell service at all.
It wasn't until the next day when we got up... we started to realize how close we had been and what was complete devastation around us in both directions. Here is what one side of our main street looks like... and within a half mile on the other side of us... it looks the same. This is so close to us it's still freaking me out.
Now I am not one to throw out that, "God was looking out for me line..." because then it sounds like He wasn't looking out for any of those other people who are experiencing an insane loss in their life right now either losing family members or their homes and all they own. I do believe all things happen for a reason though, and we'll leave it at that. It could have been us. That's the real reality of it. But it wasn't, and I feel very humbled in that fact.
Since the storm... we emptied the fridge and freezer into the garbage, and headed south where there was family and electricity. The last couple days have been a really great bonding time for Russell and I as well. I cannot imagine going through that without him. He was absolutely there for me and the girls. He calmed us, prevented any panic, and made sure we felt secure. Drove to Florida until nearly 3 am in the morning... woke to make us breakfast Saturday morning.
Then he did something that maybe I shouldn't share... but made me feel... that warm sweet girlie feeling that I have thought was hopelessly locked up in my head somewhere and unachievable.... I was feeling dirty and grimy from the past two long days... very stressed out but relieved we were all together and safe.... once i was in the shower he washed and conditioned my hair for me. He took his time, rinsed it thoroughly, running his fingers over and over again... the stress poured off of me... as I relaxed... we spent Sunday checking in with friends and making sure all of our peeps in Alabama were doing ok... but we were also able to take a nice little walk and dig up some blackberry bushes to take home to our yard... Headed back to help our neighbors out, now that we won't be hindering them. Keep Alabama in your thoughts, cause you really never know when it will happen wherever you are standing.
Perspective.... ahhhhh wonderful ol perspective. What a wonderful thing to find yourself full of. If you have to be full of something... perspective is always a plus.
This morning "we" left for school and work actually early... why? Because my team is whole again. No more manic morning crazy sitcom battle of the 2 against 1 lowly mom. I tag teamed him in, and he had them chaired, pinned down and out the door before I could even finish my hair. Then he handed me a cup of coffee. Something inside me sincerely in all embarrassing honesty broke into a happy dance that I could never possibly duplicate or ever admit to again...
Nearly to work almost 20 minutes early... we realized we had forgotten something at the house. We U-turned down a farm road neither of us had taken before in hopes it would lead back towards home. After a storm filled night, the morning sky was a damp heavy air blue, thick with possibilities for the day. The hay growing in the fields shown a green so true that I was captivated as we drove past. This road I had never been down, may possibly be one of the most beautiful little S-curvy roads I've ever had the privilege to ride upon... and I pass it everyday. I've lived here for just over 4 years.
He reached over and held my hand as we drove... I looked out the window.... heart busting it's borders like the Grinch who stole Christmas, and all I can think is how glad I was that we forgot something at home. I know that things will not always be butterflies, rainbows, and puppy dogs... there will be more storms... but if the storms are followed by mornings like this, then isn't that what it's really all about?
Things seem to come and go so quickly. We move through our days in a rat race situation... alarm goes off, shower, dress, kids on bus, drive to the office, sit at desk, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, decide what is for lunch, go eat, come back, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, stare accusingly at the stubborn clock, get back in car, avoid the gym, pick up kids from school, listen to them argue on 5 minute car ride, make dinner, help with homework, do dishes, run to some sort of extra curricular activity, showers, crash.... REPEAT.
But on extraordinairy days, those days where the stars are aligned in different patterns, new things come into our sights. My experiences over the last several months have been a combination of typical rat race days mixed with excitement, terror, panic, anxiety, prayer, friendship, and love.
I have made new friends that I will no doubt have for the rest of my life. I have been learning that I am indeed a strong woman whose weaknesses do not make me less of a strong person, but in fact help add depth to my character.
Realizing these things have made me see that my NOTEBOOK analogies, may be a little far fetched... and not in the sense that I no longer believe that kind of love is real... but in a whole new aspect. There are people I could come in contact with for the rest of my days that I would bond to, have strong chemistry, endure trials and tribulations, love to explore the world next to, or have incredibly passionate sex with... but the reality is that I already picked someone to do those things with everyday.
Russell may not be my Noah... and I am okay with that... because... well he is my Russell. There were vows spoken that have bonded us to each other that in today's day and age seem to easily fall to the wayside. To put in the work and effort together to be bigger than today's NORM is worth it. I believe that people can change when they encounter situations that can cost them their entire world. My world was altered several months ago, his realization came later... but came.
Today is Easter Sunday, and I spent the weekend being completely open to the idea of our family being reconnected. It was quite difficult at first, I won't lie. I was jaded, sheltered, hiding... but the reality of it was I could only give him a real chance if I gave it 100 percent of me. Being open and honest, earned me 150 percent of him.
Choices to go left or right... they're complicated. Going one way or the other doesn't necessarily mean a choice between wrong or right. Both roads may lead to somewhere exotic and fantastic. Both roads may lead to even harder left and right choices... and once you take a road, you realize you will never be back to take the other path... but that's part of the journey. Set your course, allow room for some adjustments along the way, but in knowing yourself and letting God steer your direction is all the assurance you should need.
Whenever my heart is heavy and my pen is empty I pick up journals from times gone by in my life. Journals from days when I used to actually write for hours on end, and keep dozens of blank beautiful journals on hand for my ramblings. Today I read through the journal I kept when I was pregnant with Hailey (my 10 year old daughter...my oldest).
I was 19 when I was pregnant with her, and it was quite a trying time for me. Funny.... as I look back... some of my writing remains the same today as it was then, and some of my writing then shows my naive youth in all it's glory.
May 21, 2000
Dreams are plaguing me these days. Dreams of being alone for the rest of my life. Waking up and not recognizing anything around me...not my furniture, people, the house. No one can understand me, we aren't speaking the same language. They all look away from me when I speak. Then I dream that I am awakened, the man sleeping beside me is there to comfort me. The moonlight pours through an open window, and in the distance I hear a train. Then I hear a child screaming.... faintly. The clock reads 1:15am I listen as closely as I can, I hear the child again. I shake my husband, he rolls over. I shake him harder, tears building in my eyes. he wakes. Did you hear that? No.... he listens... he hears nothing... he closes the window and tells me it was a dream.
The tears fall as he drifts back to sleep. I wonder if I am ok. Is that child ok... or is it surrounded by a bunch of closed windows and broken dreams? Will all it's hopes be pinned on dreams? Will someone ever realize for the screaming child that a dream will only let your mind free through an open window.
August 7, 2000
Today I dreamed the dream of many, life of few, future for some, desire for all. I dreamt of a happiness nearly unexplainable. I went outside and sat on the grass barefoot...just to feel it between my toes. I ran my fingers through the fresh cut blades and took a deep breath just to smell life. It smelled clean, fresh, and anxiously delicious.
There is power in your vision and wisdom in your words....Good night world. Check it.
It seems there is a time for everything to go through a period of grief. If you aren't sad about it at some point, then it was probably never anything worth being honestly concerned about to begin with... right?
These days people get bored easily, and they wonder about things like... what if... how come... etc.... it's a form of the grass is greener syndrome... but we all know that saying, and as a population, we all attest constantly that in fact... the grass is not greener on the other side.... and even though we say things like that, and we pass our wisdom of our actions through the generations... nothing slows anyone down from jumping head first off of something based on their own stubborn selfish belief that their situation is, "DIFFERENT."
Haha I love to hear that from people when you are trying to give them advice, "oh this is different... he's different, I'm different, this love is different..." yadda friggin yadda. No... it's not different. Love is love. It requires work, it requires patience, it requires affection, respect, appreciation.... so situations may be different... sure... but the bottom line is love... is LOVE. Please by all means, don't let it be confused with indigestion... because HA! that passes... love is not supposed to be seasonal.
I have such an appreciation for love, that I am completely aware now that a totally selfless love is not achievable anywhere short of heaven. In realizing that, I hope that what does find me is patient and kind... but MOSTLY..... deserving of my love in return.
You guys can all bust on my love for Noah... from The Notebook... say it isn't possible... etc... go for it... I am sorry you've never had that, truly... but I am not closing the door on it being possible. I refuse. If that means I live the next 50 years sorting through bullshit... so be it.... if it means I spend 50 years writing about it... so be it. But I stand by my convictions... the dreamer in me says find it. Go get it.
Own it.... own it like anyone owns their convictions. Judge me if you will... pray for me if you would like.... and love me... because I'm worth it.
In closing, a song that has slipped my mind for a long time.... that I have always loved completely. Fair? Who knows.
Wowza.... yep... that's how I am starting this thing off tonight.
I am having the best week I have had in.... mmmm let's just go with awhile.... yep, that's a fair assessment. Las Vegas was.... fantastic (ahhh that looks like such a small word). The lights, the sounds, the company, the food... all off the chart as far as describable goes, so I won't attempt to, but I will tell you that it was exactly what I needed. Maybe what I have needed for some time. I feel like me....myself... I...!!!! I was blown away with the amount of detail in everything there...definitely going to visit again.
In addition, there has seemed to be a great soundtrack rolling along with me, since about Saturday, that hasn't paused or missed a beat. It's rolled from rock, pop, rap, country... into trance several times... and let me tell you.... the trance was mmmm the best ever. ;)
When I left Vegas, I left a little heavy hearted, seemed I wouldn't be ready to get back to the real world, but I was pleasantly surprised. Getting back to Florida, I was tackled by my girls at the security gate, they really missed me. We did dinner with family, and then spent today laying on the beach. Not just any beach mind you... but THE beach. White sand, emerald water, and my butt parked there on the sand soaking up the rays. Just how I love it. Driving around today, I was greeted with that familiarity of being home, that you cannot replace with anything else. My heart was happy. Windows down, 99 Rock blaring, hair blowing, and sunglasses on... you really cannot ask for much more.
The way I am feeling lately, is on a healing path. I am crazy about my life... my family.... and my friends, and I really am quite content.
Plus I got to spend some time with my camera, always a perk.... check it!
This is looking out from the Venetian... one of my favorites that I got to tour....
Yep, Paris baby....
This is actually right before I left, at my house...
The water today was COLD!!!
I told you it was cold :)
Something goes here about toes...water... and sand...
Hailey was building a sand castle...
Okay, you have to blow this pic up and check it out... maybe one of the best I've ever taken.
The passion driven Ryan Gosling plays Noah... we've all seen it... if you haven't seen it... take the rest of the day off work and go get the movie... take it home and watch.
This is what women want. We sell ourselves short a lot because we are not acutely aware of any of these type men actually on the planet... at least I have yet to meet one. (Any of you girls that have one... pat yourself on the back) (in addition I mean no disrespect to the men that I have spent time with at all, they've been good people, great friends, and well.... more or less the other guy in this movie... and she does love him too).
Noah falls in love with Allie from the very beginning. They're crazy about each other... cannot get enough. But when she is pulled from his life.... not only does he write her letters (swoon) consistently for a year.... he spends the next 7 years of his life missing her.... then building her dream home for her.... when she arrives on scene again, he doesn't leave things unsaid... he doesn't wish there was a right moment... he grabs her there in the pouring rain and tells her, "it's still not over." of course followed by one of those love making scenes that if you've been fortunate to have in your life.... stick with you in your memory bank forever.
He realizes that he lost her once.... and he intends to never let that mistake happen again. Not ever. This hopeless romantic... that's me. The fact that he never gave up, never walked away, never faded in his passion even after so much time had passed.... is that real? Is that possible?
To my dearest Noah.... If you're a bird.... I'm a bird.
One of the unique perks/downfalls of moving is leaving old neighbors and meeting new ones. Where my new house sits, I really only technically have one neighbor. We'll call him Bob. Bob is a very friendly Asian/American man near.... 60ish...? (Give or take a few years). He is retired military.
Every weekend since I have moved in, as I am unpacking, I see Bob diligently working in his yard, washing his cars, putting in sprinklers, carrying in boxes of tile, adding Bonsai bushes... you name it. His yard is beautiful. His grass was even green in January. I am positive he has white carpet and furniture in which my children even laying eyes on would cost me 10k in damages.
We speak casually every time I see him, and there is where my story lies.
His wife died a year and a half ago. They had been married for a long.....long.... time.
She loved their house very much. All of the work that he does to this house now, are things that she left for him on a Honey do list. Every weekend, he goes out and tends to flowers that she picked for their yard, he fluffs the pillows in the vibrant colors she wanted on the back patio, he walks her tea cup yappy dog.
Today, he was tiling a back splash in the kitchen. Again he tells me, "My wife left me a honey do list, and I'm slowly crossing things off for the last year and a half." I tell him that his yard looks beautiful, and he tells me, "It's exactly how she wanted it, her dream."
Thinking about it later, I am so extremely curious how their relationship was when she was here. Did he take the time to do the things on her lists when she was present? Or is this a guilt list? The romantic in me, says he was always doting on her, and in doing the things on her list still a year and a half later, he finds his way to be connected to her, in their home.
I want that. I'm due. I watch him from my kitchen window, as he cuts the grass and then waters the flowers. I know already he will work this way both Saturday and Sunday, and when I see him again, he will wave, and tell me about the Honey Do list. I find, I'm actually looking forward to the story. The reminder that love like that is real, is always nice to hear again and again.
Kinda makes me think silly little songs like this are for real people.... (yes I have an immature crush on this song)
I must tell you. I indulge in my own selfishness quite often. I love fine chocolate, good wine, my yoga mat, DVRing shows so I don't have to watch commercials... and the list goes on. I also love the spa, vacations, and extreme sports, and as reward for my hard work and dedication to my job and family I feel even a little entitled to them. This post however, is not about me. It's about a woman in my life that does not and has never.
There are several opportunities in life that when they present themselves, you may stare at them blankly for a moment or two before you realize that there is an actual choice in front of you. Sometimes even the simplest yes or no choices, can make all the different in the world. There lies the story, the story of my Grandmother and a yes or no choice.
Mary Elizabeth Sherman married early in life, to the boy of her dreams. He was charming and cocky and all those things that teenage girls fawn over. It was the late 1950's in the Italian ran side of Chicago, Illinois. You've seen this movie. It's charmed America's socks off every time it's been made. Little bit of Mafia, small slice of apple pie, four children, dozens of dogs, thousands of tribulations, 60 years later they're still together, and their family is the most important thing in their world. The red, white, and blue flies high in their front yard, politics and religion are debates that can get you chased down the driveway, and by all necessary standards they're the normal American family.
Being part of a normal American family, Mary spent her life raising children and being the center beam of a strong loving family. Her devotion and selflessness is ever present for her family. She feeds anyone that walks through the door of the house a five-star meal. Her strength of character and determination have been something that have kept me awed since I became a mother and began to see the tribulations that come with raising a family.
I've never heard her ask for anything. Not once. Not in the 30 years she's been my Grandmother. Matter of fact, the only thing I've ever heard her say repeatedly since I was a child that even had a hint of self indulgence to it was, "If I ever had the chance, I would go to Italy." Something in this has always resonated with me. I come from Blue collar America. My family all works with their hands for their money and they all work hard for it. They pay their taxes, they feed their kids, and they have BBQ's on the 4th of July. It's a great life by every written standard, it is the American Dream, but it doesn't spend much time in Italy.
Several years ago, I daydreamed with the idea of seeing her face light up stepping off a plane in Rome. Her one selfish indulgence becoming a reality. It didn't really seem like a possibility, until now. Until I stopped toying with the idea and realized the only way it would ever come true, was to make it happen. Behind every great idea, is someone daydreaming stuff up, and with my family full of supporters that all want to see that sparkle in her eye as badly as I do, this daydream will happen.
My Grandma got her passport today, the countdown has begun. Italy is going to happen. This trip is not at all about us being able to take her, this trip is solely about her deserving to go.
I have noticed all through my life, sitting at red lights does not actually bother me. Sitting at red lights often times gives me an opportunity to reflect on the day, the week, the year, a childhood memory. It's odd actually what might come to mind at these times, as I sit, stopped by something as simple as a light on a road that is leading me to my destination. There is so much symbolism in it that I've actually written about it on several different occasions, just to scribble through my efforts later.
This week however, seems to be one of those weeks that shows you big picture, things that are not just going on in my life, but also the people around me. All the things on my plate; the separation, new house, new bills, travel opportunities, work, the kids, etc... they wash over me as I sit idle here. Then I think about my little brother, getting married today 6 states away, the nervous excitement I'm sure he's enduring. My little sister moving into her first house today with her husband and two children, the elation she must feel. My Grandmother at 71 years old, applied for her passport today, to travel this fall to Italy with me, her life dream becoming a reality. My parent's business that they started, struggled with since the beginning is blooming into a full fledged corporation, new taxes and all.
The light changes, as they always eventually do, and these days will pass. But right now, in this moment... I am living, and it feels so good.
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