Untitled for a Season

My heart and mind are not in the same place currently... and somewhere in the mix my soul is screaming out. In the midst of all the commotion and noise, I cannot make out what they are saying independently.

Trying to find that still quiet place inside myself to sit and just be seems like quite a feat currently. I have so very much bottled to say.... but unfortunately due to my audience this is no longer a speak free and clear zone for me.... all I know is at some point, I will snap... and the words will flow.

Until then.... here I am.... silenced.

 Creed - My Own Prison

Fair? Who knows....?

It seems there is a time for everything to go through a period of grief. If you aren't sad about it at some point, then it was probably never anything worth being honestly concerned about to begin with... right?

These days people get bored easily, and they wonder about things like... what if... how come... etc.... it's a form of the grass is greener syndrome... but we all know that saying, and as a population, we all attest constantly that in fact... the grass is not greener on the other side.... and even though we say things like that, and we pass our wisdom of our actions through the generations... nothing slows anyone down from jumping head first off of something based on their own stubborn selfish belief that their situation is, "DIFFERENT." 

Haha I love to hear that from people when you are trying to give them advice, "oh this is different... he's different, I'm different, this love is different..." yadda friggin yadda. No... it's not different. Love is love. It requires work, it requires patience, it requires affection, respect, appreciation.... so situations may be different... sure... but the bottom line is love... is LOVE. Please by all means, don't let it be confused with indigestion... because HA! that passes... love is not supposed to be seasonal.

I have such an appreciation for love, that I am completely aware now that a totally selfless love is not achievable anywhere short of heaven. In realizing that, I hope that what does find me is patient and kind... but MOSTLY..... deserving of my love in return.

You guys can all bust on my love for Noah... from The Notebook... say it isn't possible... etc... go for it... I am sorry you've never had that, truly... but I am not closing the door on it being possible. I refuse. If that means I live the next 50 years sorting through bullshit... so be it.... if it means I spend 50 years writing about it... so be it. But I stand by my convictions... the dreamer in me says find it. Go get it.

Own it.... own it like anyone owns their convictions. Judge me if you will... pray for me if you would like.... and love me... because I'm worth it.

In closing, a song that has slipped my mind for a long time.... that I have always loved completely. Fair? Who knows.

The Honey Do...Due?

One of the unique perks/downfalls of moving is leaving old neighbors and meeting new ones. Where my new house sits, I really only technically have one neighbor. We'll call him Bob. Bob is a very friendly Asian/American man near.... 60ish...? (Give or take a few years). He is retired military.

Every weekend since I have moved in, as I am unpacking, I see Bob diligently working in his yard, washing his cars, putting in sprinklers, carrying in boxes of tile, adding Bonsai bushes... you name it. His yard is beautiful. His grass was even green in January. I am positive he has white carpet and furniture in which my children even laying eyes on would cost me 10k in damages.

We speak casually every time I see him, and there is where my story lies.

His wife died a year and a half ago. They had been married for a long.....long.... time.

She loved their house very much. All of the work that he does to this house now, are things that she left for him on a Honey do list. Every weekend, he goes out and tends to flowers that she picked for their yard, he fluffs the pillows in the vibrant colors she wanted on the back patio, he walks her tea cup yappy dog.

Today, he was tiling a back splash in the kitchen. Again he tells me, "My wife left me a honey do list, and I'm slowly crossing things off for the last year and a half." I tell him that his yard looks beautiful, and he tells me, "It's exactly how she wanted it, her dream."

Thinking about it later, I am so extremely curious how their relationship was when she was here. Did he take the time to do the things on her lists when she was present? Or is this a guilt list? The romantic in me, says he was always doting on her, and in doing the things on her list still a year and a half later, he finds his way to be connected to her, in their home.

I want that. I'm due. I watch him from my kitchen window, as he cuts the grass and then waters the flowers. I know already he will work this way both Saturday and Sunday, and when I see him again, he will wave, and tell me about the Honey Do list. I find, I'm actually looking forward to the story. The reminder that love like that is real, is always nice to hear again and again.

Kinda makes me think silly little songs like this are for real people.... (yes I have an immature crush on this song)

It is TIME.....

It is time for me to write my angry blog. My rant. I've been tiptoeing around in cyber space, concerned with my audience and words that once said cannot be taken back. I'm not feeling PC today however.... which is probably a giant warning sign for me to back the hell away from the computer, but I'm not going to.

I am mad,  I am borderline irate. I feel completely betrayed, let down, and dissapointed. Then as soon as this subsides enough to allow me to calm down, I feel absolutely crushed. I am if anything a hopeless romantic. That movie stuff, it gets to me, it keeps me hopeful, it makes me tick. Not just am I a romantic, but I am a firm believer in crazy passionate love. I feel like I've been cheated. Not just by you, but by myself. There is no reason that movies should be my source for knowledge on the love I am speaking of.

In addition, I am violently angry for my daughters. They've had two fathers that were capable of walking away from their blonde hair, blue eyes, and sweet ways. You knew I had two little girls when we met. You took them in, they called you daddy, and it's been 5 years. They know you, they depended on you. You do not get to just stop being a parent. WTF is that??? If that were the case there would be millions of children left sitting in shopping carts, waiting rooms, malls .... you get the point.

You want your space. You want your freedom. You want to go do things that do not include me or our   my family. In all this I find I am standing here, honestly trying to rope you back in. Fighting your leaving. Watching you selfishly destroy what we built together. I don't know what it is that keeps me hoping, or wondering, and even annoyingly enough... wishing... Wishing for what? To go back?

There is no back, not from this place. You are off doing your thing... why am I stalling? Why am I standing here waiting?  How do you even maintain this grip on me? Let me go. Even as I type that, I backspace over it, and then retype it... Let me go...

If I am not the first thing in your mind when you wake up in the morning, let me go.  If I am not what puts a smile on your face during a long day... let me go. If someone asks you where you want to go on vacation and in that second you respond you don't see me standing there with my sunglasses on and suitcase in hand... let me go. If you don't love me, enough to be with me when I've had a bad day... let me go.

This lyric, about sums it up... how I feel today.

Red Lights

I have noticed all through my life, sitting at red lights does not actually bother me. Sitting at red lights often times gives me an opportunity to reflect on the day, the week, the year, a childhood memory. It's odd actually what might come to mind at these times, as I sit, stopped by something as simple as a light on a road that is leading me to my destination. There is so much symbolism in it that I've actually written about it on several different occasions, just to scribble through my efforts later.

This week however, seems to be one of those weeks that shows you big picture, things that are not just going on in my life, but also the people around me. All the things on my plate; the separation, new house, new bills, travel opportunities, work, the kids, etc... they wash over me as I sit idle here. Then I think about my little brother, getting married today 6 states away, the nervous excitement I'm sure he's enduring. My little sister moving into her first house today with her husband and two children, the elation she must feel. My Grandmother at 71 years old, applied for her passport today, to travel this fall to Italy with me, her life dream becoming a reality. My parent's business that they started, struggled with since the beginning is blooming into a full fledged corporation, new taxes and all.

The light changes, as they always eventually do, and these days will pass. But right now, in this moment... I am living, and it feels so good.