Untitled for a Season

My heart and mind are not in the same place currently... and somewhere in the mix my soul is screaming out. In the midst of all the commotion and noise, I cannot make out what they are saying independently.

Trying to find that still quiet place inside myself to sit and just be seems like quite a feat currently. I have so very much bottled to say.... but unfortunately due to my audience this is no longer a speak free and clear zone for me.... all I know is at some point, I will snap... and the words will flow.

Until then.... here I am.... silenced.

 Creed - My Own Prison

It is TIME.....

It is time for me to write my angry blog. My rant. I've been tiptoeing around in cyber space, concerned with my audience and words that once said cannot be taken back. I'm not feeling PC today however.... which is probably a giant warning sign for me to back the hell away from the computer, but I'm not going to.

I am mad,  I am borderline irate. I feel completely betrayed, let down, and dissapointed. Then as soon as this subsides enough to allow me to calm down, I feel absolutely crushed. I am if anything a hopeless romantic. That movie stuff, it gets to me, it keeps me hopeful, it makes me tick. Not just am I a romantic, but I am a firm believer in crazy passionate love. I feel like I've been cheated. Not just by you, but by myself. There is no reason that movies should be my source for knowledge on the love I am speaking of.

In addition, I am violently angry for my daughters. They've had two fathers that were capable of walking away from their blonde hair, blue eyes, and sweet ways. You knew I had two little girls when we met. You took them in, they called you daddy, and it's been 5 years. They know you, they depended on you. You do not get to just stop being a parent. WTF is that??? If that were the case there would be millions of children left sitting in shopping carts, waiting rooms, malls .... you get the point.

You want your space. You want your freedom. You want to go do things that do not include me or our   my family. In all this I find I am standing here, honestly trying to rope you back in. Fighting your leaving. Watching you selfishly destroy what we built together. I don't know what it is that keeps me hoping, or wondering, and even annoyingly enough... wishing... Wishing for what? To go back?

There is no back, not from this place. You are off doing your thing... why am I stalling? Why am I standing here waiting?  How do you even maintain this grip on me? Let me go. Even as I type that, I backspace over it, and then retype it... Let me go...

If I am not the first thing in your mind when you wake up in the morning, let me go.  If I am not what puts a smile on your face during a long day... let me go. If someone asks you where you want to go on vacation and in that second you respond you don't see me standing there with my sunglasses on and suitcase in hand... let me go. If you don't love me, enough to be with me when I've had a bad day... let me go.

This lyric, about sums it up... how I feel today.