The Road Less Traveled

Things seem to come and go so quickly. We move through our days in a rat race situation... alarm goes off, shower, dress, kids on bus, drive to the office, sit at desk, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, decide what is for lunch, go eat, come back, check work email, check facebook, focus on work, stare accusingly at the stubborn clock, get back in car, avoid the gym, pick up kids from school, listen to them argue on 5 minute car ride, make dinner, help with homework, do dishes, run to some sort of extra curricular activity, showers, crash.... REPEAT.

But on extraordinairy days, those days where the stars are aligned in different patterns, new things come into our sights. My experiences over the last several months have been a combination of typical rat race days mixed with excitement, terror, panic, anxiety, prayer, friendship, and love.

I have made new friends that I will no doubt have for the rest of my life. I have been learning that I am indeed a strong woman whose weaknesses do not make me less of a strong person, but in fact help add depth to my character.

Realizing these things have made me see that my NOTEBOOK analogies, may be a little far fetched... and not in the sense that I no longer believe that kind of love is real... but in a whole new aspect. There are people I could come in contact with for the rest of my days that I would bond to, have strong chemistry, endure trials and tribulations, love to explore the world next to, or have incredibly passionate sex with... but the reality is that I already picked someone to do those things with everyday.

Russell may not be my Noah... and I am okay with that... because... well he is my Russell. There were vows spoken that have bonded us to each other that in today's day and age seem to easily fall to the wayside. To put in the work and effort together to be bigger than today's NORM is worth it. I believe that people can change when they encounter situations that can cost them their entire world. My world was altered several months ago, his realization came later... but came.

Today is Easter Sunday, and I spent the weekend being completely open to the idea of our family being reconnected. It was quite difficult at first, I won't lie. I was jaded, sheltered, hiding... but the reality of it was I could only give him a real chance if I gave it 100 percent of me. Being open and honest, earned me 150 percent of him.

Choices to go left or right... they're complicated. Going one way or the other doesn't necessarily mean a choice between wrong or right. Both roads may lead to somewhere exotic and fantastic. Both roads may lead to even harder left and right choices... and once you take a road, you realize you will never be back to take the other path... but that's part of the journey. Set your course, allow room for some adjustments along the way, but in knowing yourself and letting God steer your direction is all the assurance you should need.

Today's Song...

A Tale from a Jeanna Past

Whenever my heart is heavy and my pen is empty I pick up journals from times gone by in my life. Journals from days when I used to actually write for hours on end, and keep dozens of blank beautiful journals on hand for my ramblings. Today I read through the journal I kept when I was pregnant with Hailey (my 10 year old daughter...my oldest).

I was 19 when I was pregnant with her, and it was quite a trying time for me. Funny.... as I look back... some of my writing remains the same today as it was then, and some of my writing then shows my naive youth in all it's glory.

May 21, 2000
Dreams are plaguing me these days. Dreams of being alone for the rest of my life. Waking up and not recognizing anything around me...not my furniture, people, the house. No one can understand me, we aren't speaking the same language. They all look away from me when I speak. Then I dream that I am awakened, the man sleeping beside me is there to comfort me. The moonlight pours through an open window, and in the distance I hear a train. Then I hear a child screaming.... faintly. The clock reads 1:15am I listen as closely as I can, I hear the child again. I shake my husband, he rolls over. I shake him harder, tears building in my eyes. he wakes. Did you hear that? No.... he listens... he hears nothing... he closes the window and tells me it was a dream.
The tears fall as he drifts back to sleep. I wonder if I am ok. Is that child ok... or is it surrounded by a bunch of closed windows and broken dreams? Will all it's hopes be pinned on dreams? Will someone ever realize for the screaming child that a dream will only let your mind free through an open window.


August 7, 2000
Today I dreamed the dream of many, life of few, future for some, desire for all. I dreamt of a happiness nearly unexplainable. I went outside and sat on the grass barefoot...just to feel it between my toes. I ran my fingers through the fresh cut blades and took a deep breath just to smell life. It smelled clean, fresh, and anxiously delicious.


There is power in your vision and wisdom in your words....Good night world.  Check it.

Untitled for a Season

My heart and mind are not in the same place currently... and somewhere in the mix my soul is screaming out. In the midst of all the commotion and noise, I cannot make out what they are saying independently.

Trying to find that still quiet place inside myself to sit and just be seems like quite a feat currently. I have so very much bottled to say.... but unfortunately due to my audience this is no longer a speak free and clear zone for me.... all I know is at some point, I will snap... and the words will flow.

Until then.... here I am.... silenced.

 Creed - My Own Prison

Fair? Who knows....?

It seems there is a time for everything to go through a period of grief. If you aren't sad about it at some point, then it was probably never anything worth being honestly concerned about to begin with... right?

These days people get bored easily, and they wonder about things like... what if... how come... etc.... it's a form of the grass is greener syndrome... but we all know that saying, and as a population, we all attest constantly that in fact... the grass is not greener on the other side.... and even though we say things like that, and we pass our wisdom of our actions through the generations... nothing slows anyone down from jumping head first off of something based on their own stubborn selfish belief that their situation is, "DIFFERENT." 

Haha I love to hear that from people when you are trying to give them advice, "oh this is different... he's different, I'm different, this love is different..." yadda friggin yadda. No... it's not different. Love is love. It requires work, it requires patience, it requires affection, respect, appreciation.... so situations may be different... sure... but the bottom line is love... is LOVE. Please by all means, don't let it be confused with indigestion... because HA! that passes... love is not supposed to be seasonal.

I have such an appreciation for love, that I am completely aware now that a totally selfless love is not achievable anywhere short of heaven. In realizing that, I hope that what does find me is patient and kind... but MOSTLY..... deserving of my love in return.

You guys can all bust on my love for Noah... from The Notebook... say it isn't possible... etc... go for it... I am sorry you've never had that, truly... but I am not closing the door on it being possible. I refuse. If that means I live the next 50 years sorting through bullshit... so be it.... if it means I spend 50 years writing about it... so be it. But I stand by my convictions... the dreamer in me says find it. Go get it.

Own it.... own it like anyone owns their convictions. Judge me if you will... pray for me if you would like.... and love me... because I'm worth it.

In closing, a song that has slipped my mind for a long time.... that I have always loved completely. Fair? Who knows.

It is TIME.....

It is time for me to write my angry blog. My rant. I've been tiptoeing around in cyber space, concerned with my audience and words that once said cannot be taken back. I'm not feeling PC today however.... which is probably a giant warning sign for me to back the hell away from the computer, but I'm not going to.

I am mad,  I am borderline irate. I feel completely betrayed, let down, and dissapointed. Then as soon as this subsides enough to allow me to calm down, I feel absolutely crushed. I am if anything a hopeless romantic. That movie stuff, it gets to me, it keeps me hopeful, it makes me tick. Not just am I a romantic, but I am a firm believer in crazy passionate love. I feel like I've been cheated. Not just by you, but by myself. There is no reason that movies should be my source for knowledge on the love I am speaking of.

In addition, I am violently angry for my daughters. They've had two fathers that were capable of walking away from their blonde hair, blue eyes, and sweet ways. You knew I had two little girls when we met. You took them in, they called you daddy, and it's been 5 years. They know you, they depended on you. You do not get to just stop being a parent. WTF is that??? If that were the case there would be millions of children left sitting in shopping carts, waiting rooms, malls .... you get the point.

You want your space. You want your freedom. You want to go do things that do not include me or our   my family. In all this I find I am standing here, honestly trying to rope you back in. Fighting your leaving. Watching you selfishly destroy what we built together. I don't know what it is that keeps me hoping, or wondering, and even annoyingly enough... wishing... Wishing for what? To go back?

There is no back, not from this place. You are off doing your thing... why am I stalling? Why am I standing here waiting?  How do you even maintain this grip on me? Let me go. Even as I type that, I backspace over it, and then retype it... Let me go...

If I am not the first thing in your mind when you wake up in the morning, let me go.  If I am not what puts a smile on your face during a long day... let me go. If someone asks you where you want to go on vacation and in that second you respond you don't see me standing there with my sunglasses on and suitcase in hand... let me go. If you don't love me, enough to be with me when I've had a bad day... let me go.

This lyric, about sums it up... how I feel today.

End of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

  Sitting at work yesterday I realized that my head was actually about to explode. How is it that going through a separation that isn't even hostile can make you hurt so badly. My marriage of 4 years is being pulled apart and separated into piles of yours and mine and I seem to be the only one upset. Yes, it's been nice not fighting with you, and I'm glad you still want to come to the kids softball games and dance recitals, but my heart hurts inside even though I think this is the right choice.

   Why am I hurting when I know it's the right decision? I stare at my computer monitor but my ability to actually do my work is eluding me. The clock on the wall is laughing at my blank expression, I just know it. I haven't slept in days or maybe it's been weeks? I lay there night after night my mind playing slide shows of possibilities on the screen behind my eyes. I feel numbness spread over me and fall into a dreamless sleep only to wake two hours later covered in cold sweat and sobbing.

  So again, I sit at my computer trying to figure out where I am going. I make a doctors appointment so that I can go tell my sob story and be prescribed something to sleep, something to bring back the numb. Leaving I drive past Sport's Authority and I flip the car around. I sit in the parking lot staring at the sign, Authority seems to be beckoning me. The word is rolling around in my mouth trying desperately to escape the border of my tongue. I whisper the word, "authority" it sounds good to my ears, so I try it a little louder, "AUTHORITY." Yes, hmm. I would like some authority back in my life. I am taking control.

  I meander around until I come across a shirt that says simply, "RUN." It seems God is talking to me in fitness gear today, but I will take it. I know when I am being given messages and when to just ignore that voice in my head, so I buy a pair of running shoes and skip my doctors appointment. Driving home was one of those afternoons when you can't help but roll the windows down, so I did. I let the radio play,and my mind drifted over the possibilities for the first time without a negative light surrounding all of them.

   Oh I know I am not cured. I know I am nowhere near over it. Every single day is going to be a battle for awhile. But I have to make the choice, "Xanax or my running shoes?"