Fair? Who knows....?

It seems there is a time for everything to go through a period of grief. If you aren't sad about it at some point, then it was probably never anything worth being honestly concerned about to begin with... right?

These days people get bored easily, and they wonder about things like... what if... how come... etc.... it's a form of the grass is greener syndrome... but we all know that saying, and as a population, we all attest constantly that in fact... the grass is not greener on the other side.... and even though we say things like that, and we pass our wisdom of our actions through the generations... nothing slows anyone down from jumping head first off of something based on their own stubborn selfish belief that their situation is, "DIFFERENT." 

Haha I love to hear that from people when you are trying to give them advice, "oh this is different... he's different, I'm different, this love is different..." yadda friggin yadda. No... it's not different. Love is love. It requires work, it requires patience, it requires affection, respect, appreciation.... so situations may be different... sure... but the bottom line is love... is LOVE. Please by all means, don't let it be confused with indigestion... because HA! that passes... love is not supposed to be seasonal.

I have such an appreciation for love, that I am completely aware now that a totally selfless love is not achievable anywhere short of heaven. In realizing that, I hope that what does find me is patient and kind... but MOSTLY..... deserving of my love in return.

You guys can all bust on my love for Noah... from The Notebook... say it isn't possible... etc... go for it... I am sorry you've never had that, truly... but I am not closing the door on it being possible. I refuse. If that means I live the next 50 years sorting through bullshit... so be it.... if it means I spend 50 years writing about it... so be it. But I stand by my convictions... the dreamer in me says find it. Go get it.

Own it.... own it like anyone owns their convictions. Judge me if you will... pray for me if you would like.... and love me... because I'm worth it.

In closing, a song that has slipped my mind for a long time.... that I have always loved completely. Fair? Who knows.

State of Mind

Wowza.... yep... that's how I am starting this thing off tonight.

I am having the best week I have had in.... mmmm let's just go with awhile.... yep, that's a fair assessment. Las Vegas was.... fantastic (ahhh that looks like such a small word). The lights, the sounds, the company, the food... all off the chart as far as describable goes, so I won't attempt to, but I will tell you that it was exactly what I needed. Maybe what I have needed for some time. I feel like me....myself... I...!!!! I was blown away with the amount of detail in everything there...definitely going to visit again.

In addition, there has seemed to be a great soundtrack rolling along with me, since about Saturday, that hasn't paused or missed a beat. It's rolled from rock, pop, rap, country... into trance several times... and let me tell you.... the trance was mmmm the best ever. ;)

When I left Vegas, I left a little heavy hearted, seemed I wouldn't be ready to get back to the real world, but I was pleasantly surprised. Getting back to Florida, I was tackled by my girls at the security gate, they really missed me.  We did dinner with family, and then spent today laying on the beach. Not just any beach mind you... but THE beach. White sand, emerald water, and my butt parked there on the sand soaking up the rays. Just how I love it. Driving around today, I was greeted with that familiarity of being home, that you cannot replace with anything else. My heart was happy. Windows down, 99 Rock blaring, hair blowing, and sunglasses on... you really cannot ask for much more.

The way I am feeling lately, is on a healing path. I am crazy about my life... my family.... and my friends, and I really am quite content.

Plus I got to spend some time with my camera, always a perk.... check it!

This is looking out from the Venetian... one of my favorites that I got to tour....

Yep, Paris baby....

This is actually right before I left, at my house...

The water today was COLD!!!

I told you it was cold :)

Something goes here about toes...water... and sand...

Hailey was building a sand castle...

Okay, you have to blow this pic up and check it out... maybe one of the best I've ever taken.

Yep, home sweet home.

The end :) (for now)

Angels Times Three

I had to go to the orthodontist this morning. He's a communist... WHAT?          He is.

After they water boarded me, and tightened my teeth to the point that I broke into tears and confessed every sin I've ever committed, they took my money and dumped me back into the alley out front. I climbed helplessly back into my car, safe from my tormentors for another 5 weeks.

When I started the car, I was met by one of my all time favorite songs, the Black Crowes, "She Talks to Angels," and I am instantly transported to Pensacola Beach, Florida, standing out of the sunroof of my best friend's Honda Accord on a hot July night. "Yeah she gives a smile when the pain comes, the pain gonna make everything all right...." oh and it does. Slightly because I am moderately masochist and slightly because pain is a reminder that I am living and I can feel wholly. I switch the wipers on and head out into the rainy March morning... mouth sore.

What follows my song however, is Melissa Ethridge's, "Angels Would Fall," and I can't help but think I stumbled into an angelic lineup this morning on my random iPod...interesting. "The rope that's wrapped around me, is cutting through my skin, and the doubts that have surrounded me, are finding their way in," I listen as she goes on to speak of someone that would have the ability to makes angels want to fall from grace, and I realize that I do not ever want to make that mistake again. No one should have the ability to completely change who you are. Growing and adapting together is one thing, but to fall and allow yourself to become someone you yourself are not familiar with, NO WAY.

Of course as my luck would have it, the last song that hits before I get back to work is Counting Crows, "Angels of the Silences," Now I believe I am being given a message of some sort, so I pay attention to the lyrics.... as if I am not fluent in them. "Well I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand, Did it make it any easier to leave me where I stand? I guess there might not be too many who would stand beside you now, Where'd you come from? Where am I going?" The last question sticks with me, where am I going?

The only true answer that came to mind, EVERYWHERE. I am going everywhere. Enjoy the music.

Through the Looking Glass

My Alice in Wonderland reference is due to my noticing lately that things are not as they appear. I am finding joy in strange little things that I would have had no need for at all two months ago, and the things that normally made my weekends better, I am not a part of. This blog.... for instance... has brought me much peace. It allows me to speak my mind to a small audience that actually gets it. 

I am sitting here tonight, fighting sleep off, because it is still early, and nearly all of my nights these days are restless. I fight sleep now, so that hopefully I will not be awake at 3am. My emotions have been relatively calm today. He switched his vacation from our trip to Las Vegas....he's going to Honduras now for a dive trip. Las Vegas will be completely different now, than anything I had previously foreseen. I am okay though. Then I look at that statement... I am okay though? WTF. Since when do I measure how I am doing with okay? A mediocre at best slur attempt to sum up how I feel without making anyone want to ask me in any more depth out of fear that I may burst into tears in front of them answer??? Great, I think... I am great...? Let's toy with that one later.

No one at work talks to me anymore. I work in an office full of guys, that also know him, and they don't seem to have too much to say to me these days. I am not sure what all that is about, but it makes me want to break something. I've been reading a book about traveling all the time, not just for vacation... but living out... in the world... really living.  I feel like I have been trapped in a Lifetime movie ever since the kids were born. I've got to stop feeling like they slow me down and get out there and let them be curious about this world too. 

Time it seems, is the gift we take idiotically for granted. I am done wasting it. 

Unleashed

It seems my balance has been thrown lately, into a roller coaster of extreme highs followed by corkscrew twists and extreme lows. I am not used to functioning in this atmosphere for long durations of time. Not knowing what to do with this ludicrously nauseating feeling, yesterday I decided to simply get off the ride. That may sound a little suicidal, so before we go further, I am not speaking of life's ride... I just mean this particular one that I managed to strap myself into.

Immediately after I managed to get my feet back on solid ground, my head began to spin into a migraine of "what-ifs" and my heart raced at the speed of a hummingbirds. All of this made me feel quite ill, so I retracted into a little shell of silence.

Once the sea-sick feeling began to pass, I started trying to focus on all of the things I do have going on, that are not lacking at all on the "so fuckingbadassery" meter. I am going to Las Vegas in two weeks to see a very dear friend of mine, and celebrate the fact that I finally finished my college degree. Immediately following Las Vegas, I am going to Destin, Florida to spend some much needed down time lounging on a gorgeous white sand beach.

In May, I am going to put an insane amount of effort into a 5k run through mud and obstacles that will no doubt whip my ass like I'm a 300lb couch dweller. I'm going to chance white water rafting for the very first time in my life, checking off one of my higher bucket list items. Then there is June, ahhh sweet June. My month. The month I turn 30 years old. I actually have not begun to plan a moment of my time in June yet, funny how I am.

September I am taking the girls to see Ms. Taylor Swift in Nashville, for their very first concert. Faith has been secretly stalking Taylor Swift for nearly 4 years now, and the surprise of those tickets is a joy that I cannot wait to see light that little face. Then there is October, a trip to Italy with my Grandmother. I bought the plane tickets yesterday. The realization that trip is actually happening has yet to become real to me.

With a calender full of events that will no doubt rock my year into a year that remains etched in my memory for the rest of my life, my heart remains heavy. The ache still ever present. I'm keeping on, keeping on, but even after time continues to go by, I still look for you.

Italy or Bust

     I must tell you. I indulge in my own selfishness quite often. I love fine chocolate, good wine, my yoga mat, DVRing shows so I don't have to watch commercials... and the list goes on. I also love the spa, vacations, and extreme sports, and as reward for my hard work and dedication to my job and family I feel even a little entitled to them. This post however, is not about me. It's about a woman in my life that does not and has never.

     There are several opportunities in life that when they present themselves, you may stare at them blankly for a moment or two before you realize that there is an actual choice in front of you. Sometimes even the simplest yes or no choices, can make all the different in the world. There lies the story, the story of my Grandmother and a yes or no choice.

     Mary Elizabeth Sherman married early in life, to the boy of her dreams. He was charming and cocky and all those things that teenage girls fawn over. It was the late 1950's in the Italian ran side of Chicago, Illinois. You've seen this movie. It's charmed America's socks off every time it's been made. Little bit of Mafia, small slice of apple pie, four children, dozens of dogs, thousands of tribulations, 60 years later they're still together, and their family is the most important thing in their world. The red, white, and blue flies high in their front yard, politics and religion are debates that can get you chased down the driveway, and by all necessary standards they're the normal American family.

   Being part of a normal American family, Mary spent her life raising children and being the center beam of a strong loving family. Her devotion and selflessness is ever present for her family. She feeds anyone that walks through the door of the house a five-star meal. Her strength of character and determination have been something that have kept me awed since I became a mother and began to see the tribulations that come with raising a family.

     I've never heard her ask for anything. Not once. Not in the 30 years she's been my Grandmother. Matter of fact, the only thing I've ever heard her say repeatedly since I was a child that even had a hint of self indulgence to it was, "If I ever had the chance, I would go to Italy." Something in this has always resonated with me. I come from Blue collar America. My family all works with their hands for their money and they all work hard for it. They pay their taxes, they feed their kids, and they have BBQ's on the 4th of July. It's a great life by every written standard, it is the American Dream, but it doesn't spend much time in Italy.

     Several years ago, I daydreamed with the idea of seeing her face light up stepping off a plane in Rome. Her one selfish indulgence becoming a reality. It didn't really seem like a possibility, until now. Until I stopped toying with the idea and realized the only way it would ever come true, was to make it happen. Behind every great idea, is someone daydreaming stuff up, and with my family full of supporters that all want to see that sparkle in her eye as badly as I do, this daydream will happen.

     My Grandma got her passport today, the countdown has begun. Italy is going to happen. This trip is not at all about us being able to take her, this trip is solely about her deserving to go.

Red Lights

I have noticed all through my life, sitting at red lights does not actually bother me. Sitting at red lights often times gives me an opportunity to reflect on the day, the week, the year, a childhood memory. It's odd actually what might come to mind at these times, as I sit, stopped by something as simple as a light on a road that is leading me to my destination. There is so much symbolism in it that I've actually written about it on several different occasions, just to scribble through my efforts later.

This week however, seems to be one of those weeks that shows you big picture, things that are not just going on in my life, but also the people around me. All the things on my plate; the separation, new house, new bills, travel opportunities, work, the kids, etc... they wash over me as I sit idle here. Then I think about my little brother, getting married today 6 states away, the nervous excitement I'm sure he's enduring. My little sister moving into her first house today with her husband and two children, the elation she must feel. My Grandmother at 71 years old, applied for her passport today, to travel this fall to Italy with me, her life dream becoming a reality. My parent's business that they started, struggled with since the beginning is blooming into a full fledged corporation, new taxes and all.

The light changes, as they always eventually do, and these days will pass. But right now, in this moment... I am living, and it feels so good.